Back to: The Mystery Spot Rambling Ned's Story About Bob
Bob: Hey, let me show you my collection of "Star Wars" merchandice. It's in the closet. Hold on, I'll go get it...
Ned: So, now that Bob is gone, I can tell you that story I was going to tell you earlier. Bob doesn't like me to tell this story because of his public humiliation...
Me: It's okay. You don't have to tell it just for my sake. Hmm...do you hear something?
Bob: HELP! I'M LOCKED IN THE CLOSET!!!
Ned: Nooooo... At any rate, it happened several years ago. Bob, for some reason or another, became obsessed with "Jeopardy!". He would watch it every night, record it, buy second-rate home versions, watch the tapes, and phrase his responces in the form of a question. For example, if someone said "Turn off that racket!!!" he would say "What is 'no'?", and if you asked him what he wanted for dinner he would say "What is 'chili'?". Then it got worse. He started watching "Jeopardy!" every waking moment. You could hear him saying "I'll take 'Celebrities' for 500." in his sleep. Despite all his practice, he could not get one question right. He even missed questions he heard a thousand times a day!
But still he yearned to be on the show. So imagine his reaction when he heard that the show was passing through on its "Pointless Tour to Boost Ratings." That's right; he tried to get on the show. First, he rented every video in the video store and watched each one. Then he went to the library and read books until he got kicked out when the librarian found out he didn't have a library card. He read all the tabloids and watched all the tv entertainment news magazines to gear up for the "Celebrities" categories and bought books on tape for "Foreign Languages." He even took the time to memorize stats on baseball cards and tried to learn science with a "Kidz Chemistry Kit." All this to prepare for the show.
Through some miracle (or due to the fact that most of the of the other applicants were so dense that they forgot to phrase their responses in question form) he got on the show. He managed to set a new record: lowest score ever! But what did he expect? He didn't prepare at all! However, he didn't give up. He followed the tour, competing at each stop. Since there was a rule that he could not be on the show again unless he was a champion, so he had to compete under false names. Some of my favorites were: Carl Langstrom, Bruce Ego, Baron von Bobenstein, Clark Barr, Simon Dork, Tex Walker, Fargo Long, Chris Ryan, Chip Beef, Brandon Cattle, Ash Blonde, Bob Tang, Robert Reeler, Steve Hawkings, and Nom d'Plume. Well, actually that's about it.
But at any rate, under the nom d'plume Nom d'Plume, he won. You see, the Final Jeopardy question was some stupid question about "Star Wars" that only some stupid fanboy with no life could answer. The other contestants bet all their money and got it wrong, but of course my brother got it right.
But unfortunately, they found out that he wasn't French. They found out about his plot and he didn't get one thin dime! Not only that, but they chased him into the abandoned "Wheel of Fortune" set. (Everyone knows that there are no new episodes; they only piece together old shows.) There they strapped him to the wheel and threw knives at him. Luckily the police burst in and arrested the "Jeopardy!" crew for vandalizing the "$100,000 Dollar Pyramid" and Bob got out without a scratch.
But as he was walking home, Bob saw Kelly. He has such an enormous crush on her, which means that he's nowhere near as eloquent as me when he's around her. So Kelly misinterpreted what he said, and thus took considerable offense at his remarks and slapped the taste (and most of his teeth) out of his mouth. And that's the end of that story.
Bob: For the love of crying out loud, LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
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