Back to: The Mystery Spot Rambling Ned Eats a Sandwich
Ned: ...And that's how I learned to divide by zero.
Angry Man: Why won't you shut up!?
Ned: You remind me of the roommate I had a job testing those "Magic Eye" pictures. But the computer thingie that generated them wasn't created yet, so they just had a bunch of guys hand-painting random dots on a canvas in the hopes that it would make a picture. It was my job to stare at them all day and report if I saw anything. Naturally, I didn't see anything and it was sooo boring. I couldn't wait to get home and tell my roommate all kinds of stories to entertain myself. It was hard at first, because because he was always yelling at me, but I learned to tune him out. And since his harsh, grating voice was on the same frequency as noise pollution caused by heavy construction equipment, I learned to screen that out as well. It was a plus when caught in a traffic jam near a construction site. Another unintended benefit of my job was that I learned how to sleep sitting or standing up, with my eyes open as well. Quite useful indeed...
Angry Man: If you don't shut up, I'll rip out your vocal cords and fry them like bacon!
Ned: Bacon? Hmm... yes, yes. Bacon. That reminds me of a sandwich I ate on August 12th of that year. It was a bacon sandwich, of course, but this was not an ordinary sandwich. This bacon sandwich was to all the other bacon sandwiches as... that one guy is to... uh, all the other guys in his field. That particular day, I was very hungry. Normally I only get hungry three times a day, but on the day in question I felt hungry seven times. So I set out to make the world's largest bacon sandwich. But there was no bacon! My roommate had strained his vocal cords and tried wrapping his throat with raw bacon. I had to go to the store and get some more bacon. When I got home, I cooked it up as soon as possible. Just then, my roommate came in shouting: "Darn it! Ned, that darn cat of yours went and ate all of my darned chicken soup! I would not belive the whole darned thing myself if I hadn't seen that darn creature eat the whole darned mess with my own darn eyes! Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn!" And so on. Yes, he really said 'darn'; I didn't have to clean it up. And that was the closest he ever came to swearing, any time. I tried to tell him that I didn't have a cat and he had gotten his voice back, but he kept on 'darning' the heck out of me. I went back to preparing my bacon sandwich. But someone snatched snatched my bacon right out of the pan! So I had to go back to the store again. When I got home, I noticed several unusual things. First of all, my roommate was gone. Come to think of it, I never saw him again. Secondly, several cabinets were opened, boxes were ripped to shreds, and food was scattered everywhere. And lastly, there was a cat in the apartment. I tried to pet it, but somehow it managed to fit my entire hand into my mouth! It would've bit the whole darn thing off if I hadn't of pulled away quickly. The funny thing is that this cat matched the description of the cat my roommate described. At any rate, the cat chased me around like in one of those horror movies, snapping at my heels the whole time. Of course I was running as fast and as hard as I could, screaming at the top of my lungs the whole time. Soon I found myself exhausted and cornered. And tired. I was desprate. Thinking quickly, I unwrapped the raw bacon and tossed it out the window. Just as I had hoped, the cat jumped out after it. Don't worry, cat lovets. It landed in a truck full of pillows... that was heading to Anarctica. Meanwhile, I gave up on making a bacon sandwich because there was not another package of bacon in the tri-county area due to the great Bacon Depression of that year. So I decided to make the world's largest grilled cheese sandwich. But some dude in Panama beat me to the punch. So I... Hmmm... I guess I didn't eat a bacon sandwich. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich instead.
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