Ned: ...Well, I'm going to tell my story anyway. Mr. Crispy is not Mr. Crispy. That is to say, his name wasn't really Mr. Crispy. It is George Crispin. No one knows why they call Mr. Crispy Mr. Crispy, they just do. Anyway, Mr. Crispy always wore a top hat and all. Hmm... come to think of it, his story reminds me about the story of Abe and Rod Lincoln.
Me: Oh boy, here it comes...
Ned: Few people know that Abe had a second 'l' in his last name, and even fewer know that he had a brother named Rod. Abe and Rod were almost identical, except that Rod got more girls because they thought he was better looking. You've probably heard the song about him. But let's face it. He wasn't a pretty boy like what's-his-face. But back then, when you rarely saw anyone from another county and the hard work of farmwork (coupled with the lack of hygene) made you look fifty years older than you actually were, he didn't look all that bad. Yep. Mr. Crispy is like that. Except that he always dresses up real nice. M-hmm. Oh yeah.
Did you know that Mr. Crispy tried to run for President? He was quite popular, I think. He had a lot of good ideas and was very likable, I suppose. But everyone knew him as Mr. Crispy. He hated it, but he ran under the slogan "Mr. Crispy for President!" anyway. It all goes back to the story of Abe and Rod Lincoln. You know that Abe grew a beard for political reasons, right? Well, Abe's girlfriend didn't like it, so she started going out with the clean-shaven Rod instead. That made Abe mad, but there was nothing he could do about it. If he shaved his beard, no one would recognize him. All some voters in the west knew about him was that he had a beard. And he couldn't kill Rod (or have him killed) because it would look bad. So he just sat back and did nothing until he was elected.
Getting back to Mr. Crispy, the other guy didn't like the idea of Mr. Crispy winning. So he hired someone else from Mr. Crispy's town, specifically Faye Dwaye, to run against him as a third-party nominee. When she said that she didn't know how to campaign, the guy told her: "Just try to agree with all the same issues as Mr. Crispy, but try to act more enthusiastic and charismatic. Don't worry. There's no chance you'll win. The only reason I'm paying you to run is because you'll split the vote between the two of you and I'll have the majority." Faye reluctantly agreed. It was a close race between Mr. Crispy, Faye Dwaye, and... that other guy. Or, at least it was until it was discovered that Faye was too young to be President. It was a shame, since she had a lot of good ideas (like a program to end discrimination against short people). Well, at any rate, election day came around and the people were confused. You see, some law required Mr. Crispy to put his whole name (George Crispin) on the ballot. And the other guy's name was George... somebody. Some voters who couldn't find "Mr. Crispy" on the ballot just voted randomly. Others knew his full name, but they were confused by the two Georges and voted for the wrong one. And still others were too stupid or too lazy to vote. All those factors counted against Mr. Crispy and he lost. He went to court in an attempt to throw out all of his opponent's votes. But no judge in his right mind would do that, and Mr. Crispy was unfortunate enough to get a sane one. He is such a loser. By definition, a "loser" is "a person or a thing who loses" and he sure fits that description to a T. But I suppose that you don't have to succeed to be remembered. I mean, I don't recall the name of the guy who won, but everyone knows who Mr. Crispy is.
