This page features a random jumble of semi-humorous quotes that popped into my head while I typing. I couldn't get everything I thought was funny on here because of time and lack of context. Please excuse mispellings and inaccuracies, I'm working out of memory here.
Futurama
"Space...It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you"-Fry, playing Monkey Fracas Jr.
"My parents... My co-workers... My girlfriend... I'll never see any of them again... YA-HOO!"-Fry, after being unfrozen.
"I suppose it is technically possible, though I am already in my pajamas."-The Professor
"I don't know about your previous captains, but I intend to do as little dying as possible."-Leela, upon reading the legal release she must sign before becoming captain (it includes death by airlock failure, death by brain parasites, death by sonic diarhea...)
"We're whalers on the moon
We carry a harpoon
But there ain't no whales
So we tell tall tales
And sing a whaling tune."
-The animatronic robots at Luna Park
"Not enough room? My apartment is 2 cubic meters, and we only take up 1.5. There's room for another two-thirds of a person!"-Bender, on Fry's accusation that his apartment is too small.
"I don't care how many eyes a man has. As long as it's less than five."-Leela, on dating.
"In the game of chess, you can never let your opponent see your pieces."-Zapp Brannigan, aka the stupidest captain in the galaxy
"Kiff, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If the wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, send it to my P.O. Box."-Zapp again
"If we hit this bull's eye, all the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate."-Yep, Zapp
"It seemed like the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors. ...But paper covers rock... And scissors cut paper... Kiff, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper. And bring me a rock."-Zapp, arresting Leela for delivering giant scissors.
"It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. I'ts what separates humans and robots from animals... and animal robots."-Fry encouraging Bender to disobay his programming
"Condemned by the Space Pope"-Opening sequence
"The show that watches back"-Opening sequence
"My other car is a porche-on the Moon"-Luna Park sovenier magnet
"40,000 channels and only 150 of them have anything good on."-Fry, watching tv
"Of all the friends I've had, you're the first."-Bender
"I hate the people love me, and they hate me."-Bender
"This is Vergon 6, a sunny little doomed planet inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals."-The Professor, briefing the crew on their "tax-deductible mission of chairity"
"When I'm in command, every mission is a suicide mission."- Zapp Brannigan
"Your basic human is between 3 and 25 feet tall and is made up of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a T-shirt."-Bender, on humans
"I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs!"-The "human" monster in the robot horror film "It Came From Planet Earth!"
"It's just a name, like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror."-The Professor, on the Forbidden Zone
"This is just like the story of the Grasshopper and the Octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched tv. Then the winter came, the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a race car."-Fry, reciting the fable of the Grasshopper and the Octopus.
"Could there be anything sadder? Drowning puppies, for one. But it would have to be a lot of them."-Reporter
"They're tormenting me with up-tempo singing and dancing!"-Bender
"It's time to party like it's 1999...again!"-Fry
"Based on a true story"-Opening sequence
"Filmed on location"-Opening sequence
"At the risk of sounding like an afterschool special, I think we learned who the REAL animal was today."-Leela
"But this is HDTV. It has better resolution than the real world."-Fry
"If there is an alien that I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet."-Zapp
"Grunka-lunka-dunk-ity-do
We've got a friendly warning for you
Grunka-lunka-dunk-ity-dasis
The secret of Slurm is on a need-to-know basis
Asking questions in school is a great way to learn
If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke
We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm
It could easily happen again to you folks
So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut
Gunka-lunka-lunka-dunk-ity-dut!"
-The Grunka Lunkas at the Slurm Factory
"Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiancee crashed into your uninsured home. And you have inoperable cancer."-A doctor on the robot soap opera, "All My Circuts"
"I have no strong feelings one way or the other."-The President of the Neutral Planet
"One day a man has everything. The next day, he blows up a 400 billion dollar space station. And the next day, he has nothing. It really makes you think..."-Zapp, after blowing up the Democratic Order Of Planets (DOOP) new headquaraters
"Live free or don't"-The motto of the Neutral government
"Leela, save me! ...And yourself, I guess... And my banjo... And Fry..."-Bender, begging for help
"If I don't survive, tell my wife I said 'hello.'"-The Neutral President
"It's time someone had the courage to stand up and say, 'I'm against those things everyone hates!'"-Jack Johnson, candidate for the President of Earth
"Now, I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man, but quite frankly, I agree with everything he just said."-John Jackson, the opposing candidate (BTW, they're both clones)
"Game's over, losers. I have all the money. Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves."-Bender
"'Remember what the doormouse said. Feed your head...' I'm trying to meet you half way on this, you stupid hippies!"-Nixon's head, running for President.
"I'm not a crook's head!"-Nixon's head
"Not Y3K compliant"-Opening sequence
"Snake Grab Bag: Try your luck"-Sign in a pet shop
"Oh dear... They'll be killed on our doorstep... And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd..."-The Professor
"Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me."-Amy
"I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon to your chest to crush those who disobey you... Oh well... I guess we're two different people"-The Professor
"1 hour parking 9 A.M. to 6 P.M. Monday or Saturday
Alternate side of street parking Tuesday, Thursday
Holidays excepted
Leash law enforced by radar
No parking anytime"-A sign at Past-O-Rama, an amusement park depicting old New York
"Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. Actually, she wasn't really my girlfriend. she just lived next door and never closed her curtains."-Fry, on a car at Past-O-Rama
"Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonizing pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh yes, definitely"-The Professor, on Ultimate Robot Fighting
"Let's commence preparations for rumbling!"-Bender
"You lost. You lost bad. But the important thing is I beat up someone who made fun of me in high school..."-Leela, after Bender loses in Ultimate Robot Fighting
"Death Factory III: The Legend of Death Factory II"-Name of online deathmatch game
"As Fortold by Nostradamus"-Opening sequence
"It came to me in a dream and I forgot it in another dream"-The Professor, on how he came up with the design of his engines
"A stern warning of things to come"-Opening sequence
"You're looking at a woman who owns her own harpoon."-Leela on fishing
"Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."-Bender
"Pop a Poppler in your mouth when you come to Fishy Joe's
What they're made of is a mystery; where they come from no one knows
You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em
If you promise you won't sue us, you can shove one up your nose"
-Fishy Joe's Poppler jingle
"Larva tested, Pupa approved"-Opening sequence
"I'm a big robot, and I want a big cereal!"-the giant Bender
"I came here with a simple dream: a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real 7 billion ton robot monster here? Not I... Not...I..."-The giant Bender's death speech in the "What if?" fantasy
"Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer 'extortion'. The 'X' makes it sound cool."-Bender
"Try our Millennium Pizza: 2000 kinds of meat"-sign at Panuci's Pizza
Simpsons
"'Today is a day like every other day.' D'oh! It keeps getting worse and worse!"-Homer, reading his horoscope
"Mr. Peterson, you can take this job and...fill it."-Grandpa, quitting his fast food job.
"Haunted cash machine: Dispenses images of dead presidents"-Sign on an ATM machine
"Oh, sure. Everything looks bad if you remember it."-Homer
"High explosives and school don't mix."-Chalkboard gag
"I will not waste chalk."-Chalkboard gag
"I don't think real checks have exclamation points."-Lisa
"They called me old-fashioned for teaching the duck-and-cover method. But who's laughing now?"-Principal Skinner
"That board with the nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon, they'll make a board with a nail so big it will destroy them all..."-Kang
"'Bart Bucks' are not legal tender."-Chalkboard gag
"It's an old-fashioned hole diggin'! By gar, it's been a while..."-Jasper
"Simpson! Homer Simpson
He's the greatest guy in history
From the town of Springfield
He's about to hit a chestnut tree..."
-A parody of the "Flintstones" opening song
"I don't know. Trying is the first step toward failure."-Homer
"Why don't you invite him over to dinner, turn him from an enemy into a friend. Then when he's least suspects it... BAM! The old fork in the eye!"-Moe
"Goldfish don't bounce"-Chalkboard gag
"I'll get a bunch of monkeys...dress them up...and make them re-enact the civil war!"-Homer, thinking of how to help people
"It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on tv!"-Homer, seeing his commercial on tv
"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"-Ralph
"Join the Army and see the opposing army!"-Recruitment poster
"There was nothing in Al Capone's vault, but it wasn't Geraldo's fault."-Homer, trying to come up with a song
"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a car...of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, that place that sells chilli. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."-Chief Wiggum
"All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy"-Chalkboard gag
"The real humans, uh... won't burn quite so fast in there. *ng-heih*"-Professor Frink when a model of one of his inventions catches on fire
"Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya."-Mr. Burns, alebit confused when addressing the employees
"Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over-'conquered,' if you will-by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult from this vantage point wheter they will consume the captive Earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted tv personality. I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves."-Kent Brockman
"Behold the horrors of the Slanty Shanty! See the twisted creatures that dwell within! Meet Cueball, the man with no hair!"-Bart
"Read your town charter, boy. 'If foodstuffs should touch the ground, said foodstuffs will be turned over to the village idiot.' Since I don't see him coming, start shoveling!"-Homer, on a sugar spill
"In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power. Then you get the women."-Homer, daydreaming atop his sugar pile
"Farmer Homer's Sweet Sweet Sugar"-The brand of sugar homer sells
"All right! The mummy's ready for his magical jorney!"-Jimbo, after wrapping Milhouse in bumper stickers and pushes him down a hill in a shopping cart
"Hmm... That's odd. The blood usually gets off on the second floor."-Mr. Burns, on his haunted estate
"I tell you, they only come out at night. Or in this case, during the day."-Chief Wiggum
"No, you may not. You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do."-Professor Frink, subsitute kindergarden teacher, refusing to let one kid play with a popcorn popper toy.
"Come one! Come All! See the incredible frozen man! Also gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos! Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean!"-Apu, announcing his freak show
"Join the Army! And see the opposing Army!"-recruitment poster
"I-am-so-smart! I-am-so-smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T..."-Homer, upon being accepted into college
"Oooh... A head bag. Those are chock full of... heady goodness."-Apu, trying to sell a bag of ice with a teddy bear in it
"Money can be exchanged for goods and services"-Homer's brain, explaining how he can buy many peanuts with 20 dollars
"I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."-Homer
"Nacho nacho man. I want to be a nacho man"-Homer's nacho hat song
"You never know when an old calender might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow might bring?"-Homer
"Look, Smithers. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction."-Mr. Burns, on a rock thrown through his window.
"He's like some kind of... non-giving up... school guy!"-Truant Bart after he sees Skinner walk along the bottom of a river in hot pursuit
"People, the punch has been, uh, spiked."-Freddy Quimby, tossing a football into a punch bowl
"My cat's breath smells like cat food."-Ralph
"I need the biggest seed bell you have. No, that's to big..."-Hans Moleman, trying to stop a violent bird rebellion
"It's hard for me to clean this giant pot when you keep spilling meat tenderizer over me. Oh, great. Now I have to work in the dark."-Jimbo, while he is being cooked.
"We missed the first two episodes of Cops, but if we hurry we can catch the last three."-Bart
"So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because as the old saying goes 'let your children run wild and free.'"-Homer, on pranks
"I ought to club them and eat their bones!"-Mr. Burns, after being called an ogre
"The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far."-Chalkboard gag
"Next time it could be me on the roof."-Chalkboard gag
"'The President did it' is not an excuse."-Chalkboard gag
"Luke, be a Jedi tonight!
Just be a Jedi tonight!
Do it for Yoda
While we serve our guests a soda.
And do it for Chewie and the Ewoks
And, uh, all the other puppets
Luke, be a Jedi tonight!"-Mark Hammil, in a dinner theater production of "Guys and Dolls"
"I no longer control the hand. The hand controls me!"-Bart on his unwashed hand
"You can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of all people know that."-Homer
"Facts... you can use facts to prove anything that is remotely true."-Homer
Video Games
"Agony. Death. The hate to rage on until all dies."Zeromus, Final Fantasy 4
"Replinish lost strength from slaying dragons."-The Dragon Seal you get from beating Shinryuu in Final Fantasy 5
"Your wisdom/strength have defeated the ancient culture."-The Omega Badge that you win from Omega
"The universe is in peril!"-Neo Exdeath, Final Fantasy 5
"The end comes... Beyond chaos..."-Kefka, Final Fantasy 6
"Too much hope is the opposite of despair. An overpowering love may consume you in the end."-Vincent, Final Fantasy 7
"Why does he always go out through windows?"-Final Fantasy Legend 2's hero about his father
"There's nothing cheaper than something free."-Laguna Loire, Final Fantasy 8
"Open the gate to the realm of the dead... With my life!"-Cyril, Star Ocean 2
"Well, I guess I'll teach the ignorant people a lesson!"-Vesper, Star Ocean 2
"Are you telling me you deny the downfall? Your fate will never change."-Indalecio, Star Ocean 2
"Disappear, you impure people."-Rena from Star Ocean 2, casting Dispel
"Crawd has advanced forward!"-Claude, Star Ocean 2
"A Super Delicious Ultra Great Atomic punching hand. Anyway it has a bunch of stuff attached to it."-The description of the Star Ocean 2's SDUGA Punch weapon
"Do you mind if I take pictures of you in various states of undress?"-Creepy Mia stalker on Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete
"It's ok to love your pets, but not to LOVE your pets!"-Lunar 2: Eternal Blue Complete
"A mighty wood-burning stove. Harnesses the power of burning wood with its mightiness. For the cooking of pots and junk. Yeah."-Tony, Magi Nation
"It hardly seems worth my effort to go through other people's things. Inconciderate strangers!"-Tony, Magi Nation
"There's no need to use the key if it fits."-Dragon Warrior 3 (GBC)
"The king looked underfoot. There's nothing fit for a king."-Dragon Warrior 3(GBC)
"I'm not big on... non-human girls, but your voice is pretty sexy."-Razma, Zone of the Enders: Fist of Mars
"The weight of your diseased soul will drag you to the depths... There will be no redemption."-Warren, Zone of the Enders: Fist of Mars
"Hee, hee. The data is very cute."-Pharsti, Zone of the Enders: Fist of Mars
Misc.
"I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong!"-Mr. Goldwin, of MGM (I think, it's been a while since I seen it)
"No wonder no one comes here; it's too crowded."-English Textbook exercise
"Don't pay any attention to him; don't even ignore him"-Same English textbook
"If there was something that ugly out there, we would have found it by now"-My cousin Matt on Star Trek.
"There's a blown lightbulb at the highest point of my ceiling. I can't figure out how to change it. I don't have a ladder that goes that high. Even if I did, I wouldn'twant to risk my life to change a lightbulb. I'd hate to die changing a lightbulb, because that's how everyone would remember me. Nobody would say, 'I'll miss him.' They'd say, 'How many cartoonists does it take to change a lightbulb? Ha ha ha!'"-Scott Adams, in his book "The Dilbert Future"
"A B C D E F G, next time won't you sing with me?"-My cousin Darinda
"'Nothing' I don't supply. 'Something' is my specialty. 'Anything' is what you can get here."-Professor A. Daemon (Twilight Zone)
ban5705@hotmail.com
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