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Fuck cringe culture

[cw: transphobia, ableism, r-slur]

This one's more of a venting post than a development diary... it's just called a "blog entry" by the site though, and plenty of GT stuff is about feelings anyway, so hopefully this is fine.

Today I drew this:

I basically took my character (who was a ghost, hence the resulting Yoshi body) and kept tweaking and adding adding more and more random things to her until I was satisfied with the outcome. Is it the next Mona Lisa? No. The lighting is inconsistent, her paws came out rather strange, and the depth is skewed overall: is her bottom-left arm coming out of where a spike would be? How is her upper-left arm going over her bottom-left arm? Are her satyr legs made of paper? Why does her left back leg look like it could be coming out of her tail? (Also, she's only wearing glasses as a fashion statement, since I have 20/20 vision; maybe that's seen as appropriating?)
Overall, though, it was fun to draw and subsequently share, and I'm sure it made good practice, even if she's a tad too clunky for me to draw regularly yet. I genuinely had a good time doing this and I love her so much. <3

Thing is, just being able to draw whatever I want without going "no, this is stupid, I'm not doing this" and quitting represents major progress in self-acceptance for me.

5 years ago I would have hated any drawings close to this. I refused to make any quirky character to represent myself in any way in fear that having any individuality was a one-way street to being a trans autistic furry, and that this was a bad thing that needed to be avoided. I actually convinced myself that wanting to have a sona was a temptation every kid my age was subject to, and if I were "mighty", I'd ignore it and never attempt to express myself, so I could be the most normal normal person possible... with the exception of being ace & aro so I'd never remotely be in a situation that would make me consider my gender.
(Never did it occur to me that most kids don't remotely have any temptation to be a trans furry, and me feeling otherwise probably meant I was... a trans furry.)
If I saw this drawing 5 years ago I would've laughed about how whoever drew this is an enormous snowflake and prided myself on not stooping that low. But I would feel uncomfortable looking at it because if I admitted I liked it, that could lead to me being a trans furry, oh no!
Most of my penchant for wanting to act ultra normal came from having sensory meltdowns through elementary and middle school and being isolated from class for it - being autistic already made me an outcast, so in my hypothetical dream world, I would compensate by completely overcoming my autism and not acting childish at all and never increasing my outcast status with unpopular labels. This also led to quite the superiority complex, since I wouldn't allow myself to be "bogged down" by quirky autistic children my age.
And cringe culture just sustained all that. I'd go on /r/tumblrinaction and go, ha, this person says they're another gender! This person thinks gender isn't as simple as what your crotch is like! This person is sensitive to certain things and should be warned in advance of them! Ha, this person has a fursona, so they must literally believe they're a nonhuman stuck in a human body! This person called Trump a stupid name! This person has autism and doesn't pretend it's not there OR see it as a crippling disability!
When I loosened up and left those people, even though I claimed to be tolerant, I still got scared when someone I vaguely knew transitioned. Once (about a year ago), an obscure indie dev announced in her own server she was trans and changed her Discord nick, and I put on Alias Conrad Coldwood - Endless Hallway as I went "they were so much like me and they turned out to be trans. I could lose my sanity at any moment." I was such a melodramatic lil bitch. Of course, I'd developed an internal rhetoric that meant I didn't have to directly think "this person came out as transgender and I think transgender people are insane" - instead, it was "this person 'died', and if I'm not 'careful', I could turn up 'dead' like them. 'Don't die!'"
When my mom saw an unsaved Notepad document I left open vaguely describing having and wanting to overcome gender issues (apparently, she wasn't even sure if I was saying I was trans or I just liked women's fashion), and she wanted to talk with me about that, I freaked out. I got down on the floor and buried my head under a nearby pillow. The notion that I was anything but 100% normal had just slightly leaked into my "outside" life, where I still subconsciously expected myself to snicker and shake my head at those "deviants" who admitted they weren't 100% normal, and to me, this was like two areas that must never touch or else everything in my life would somehow go to hell. I assumed everyone I loved would suddenly turn their back on me and treat me like I'd gone off the deep end; when in fact I live in a fairly progressive family, with a mom who actually understands autism and my challenges (and is aware autistic people are more likely to be trans), and a sister who successfully came out to my mom as gay years ago. (One of the first things she said after I freaked out was "you know [sister] is gay, right?") She thought I might be a confused gay boy, or affected by having no positive male role models, but she also accepts it could very well just be natural. She's clearly making her best effort at understanding, & I'm already on the waitlist for a very good therapist.
Yet recently (Past month or so) I've been going through this period of awful spikes of internalized transphobia and ableism. I think everything's going fine until suddenly the phrase "retards are cute but we don't need them everywhere" pops into my mind for no reason. "We don't need the left brainwashing gullible autistic kids." "You think being a retard is fun until you realize it means you're retarded." "If trans women aren't just perverted men, how come I see trans men so rarely?" For fuck's sake, make it stop. I've logically ruled out living in a world where people can't self-identify as transgender, and yet it's still popping up. I say things that make average cis neurotypical people tell me to stop with all the hate.

So fuck cringe culture. Fuck hostile cisnormativity. Fuck Kiwi Farms (though I've never been there). Fuck the "cringe" subreddits that keep getting rebooted every few years when they spiral into QAnon-tier insanity. Fuck mindsets designed to entice people and gradually suck all the inclusivity and tolerance out of them. Fuck ""ironic"" hate. Especially fuck people who would think of me as emotionally stunted for posting a drawing of me as a centaur yoshi cat robot thing and laugh about that. Some part of me is still clinging onto an empty shell I've presented to the world for so many years over my actual self, and it's because of the kind of society I conditioned myself to through the internet. I'm an autistic furry pre-HRT trans girl and plugging my ears and whistling isn't going to change that. Saying "no I'm not, that's cringe, I lived 99% of my life believing I was cis and still look male, and that's how it should continue" isn't going to change that.
Deep down I still felt that "slow down, that's a bad idea, did you seriously just type that like it's true" feeling just typing those last 2 sentences, and the creeping paranoia that I really am deluding myself - against all evidence to the contrary - and I keep making last ditch efforts to save myself that fall through.
(Also, this one's hilarious: "I can't be trans, trans people are rare but overrepresented [read: i'm mainly in groups with trans folk] on the internet, so it's statistically unlikely that I'm trans!" Mmm, statistics! Statistically speaking, I'm not autistic either!)

I keep thinking back to the plot of the game Celeste (which could probably be a trans analogy given Maddy Thorson coming out) and its moral that one should try to face and reason with their doubts instead of tossing them aside and ignoring them. Yet there doesn't seem to be anything left to do here. For one thing, I get in this constant loop of

  1. "maybe I should read about other trans people's experiences"
  2. "why am I doing this again, I don't need some random person's life story to validate me"
  3. "nevermind I'm being so stupid and there's no reason why I'd actually be trans"
  4. "maybe I should read about other trans people's experiences"
  5. "why am I doing this again, I don't need some random person's life story to validate me"
  6. etc

And I've probably typed enough words here. This probably ended up being more about me than cringe culture. Venting, yay! Thanks again GT for always being so inclusive, moreso than I usually was. It already feels good just getting this out here; I don't need replies or recognition to feel better.

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Knytt Scraps/WIPs

Collection of ideas for scrapped KS levels, or those I don't know if I'll ever finish.

Knytter: Exploration level with the red/blue switch mechanics of REDDER. Never made a single room for it.

Hourglass Shape: Level where all of the rooms were arranged in the shape of an hourglass. Would feature a part near the end with seemingly unscalable overhangs that would grant you an easter egg if climbed. One of the few rooms I made for it would later be used as the starting room for garden.

Columbo: Juni wakes up, goes to her workplace to set a disguised explosive under the desk in her cubicle, works her shift, then goes back home before the bomb eventually explodes. You'd be traversing with no run powerup through a boring flat landscape both to get to work and on the way back. Entirely meant to riff on one particular Columbo episode with virtually the same plot where it took from the beginning of the show to the first or second ad break for this to actually happen.

crate pushing level: Shift-based level that would have played like a side-view sokoban with gravity. Juni would walk into the side of a crate to "push" it. Abandoned by the second screen.

flambe level: Another shift-based thing. The foreground and background are both transparent, only the foreground is solid. Shifting would cause the foreground and background to switch places. Combined with KS+'s Overlay=True feature, this would make it look like the shift is actually sending you between the layers.

minimalistic closer: Prototype of Get focus. I had almost the whole map layed out, but never got around to A) finishing the final area or B) actually adding the "closing behind you" effect.

Space is Cliche: Dr. Cliche's lab in space. The whole gimmick was that you'd occasionally exit the safety of his various rooms and tubes, and a timed shift (plus a custom object that resembled a timer) would kill you if you were outside for too long.

Good Day For Poker: Would start out as a pastiche of Healy's style, with the plot being that your neighbor just invited you to come over for a game of poker, but her house is too high up to get there without both jump upgrades. Eventually you'd stumble into some virtual reality room (like the one in Dark Sea) and go through all sorts weird settings like the space station from VVVVVV.

Quick KS Editor Demonstration: Self-explanatory. I tried to make the kind of guide that could have gotten me into level-making a long time ago.

careful!: The first draft for this was a level where you could "die" from trivial things, like falling on the lawn and "choking on a blade of grass" thus giving you tons of different endings to achieve. Then I abandoned that for some reason, and tried making a level where you had to infiltrate Dr. Cliche's lab from behind most of his structures.

You Have to Put the Juni in the Juni: KS+ level, map is enabled, map resembles Juni's sprite. No idea where to go with it.

lovebug's picture

Kneat Swapzeese

Complications have arose! For me. It'll take me a while to finish my half of the swapsy (or it'll just be shorter than normal) because I've barely had any time or focus to put into it. Sorry yo

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Proof that EVERY VIDEO GAME takes place in a coma.

Because anything can happen in a coma, it's all up to your imagination, and your imagination can simulate anything it pleases.

Knytt Stories: Coma.
Grand Theft Auto series: Chief of police's coma.
Drawn to Life: Self-explanatory. The part where he wakes up from the coma is also part of a coma.
Super Mario Bros.: Coma.
Super Mario Bros. 2: Coma. Everyone just pretends it was a dream.
Super Mario Bros. 3: This was a coma that Mario had while he was watching live theater.
Super Mario Bros. 4: Coma.
Scribblenauts: Coma in English class.
Super Scribblenauts: Another coma in English class.
Knytt: Coma.
Knytt Underground: Coma.
Knytt Nano: Coma.
OFF: Coma.
Scribblenauts Remix: Coma ported to mobile devices.
Pacman Without A Cause: Really short coma.
Pick Up the Phone Booth and Die: Coma.
Cool Spot: Coma in a future where adverts are inserted into peoples' dreams.
Action 52: 52 comas in a row suffered by a complete imbecile.
Doki Doki Literature Club: Coma.
Hello Neighbor: Coma.
Super Mario World: Coma.
Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island: Coma.
Pick Up the Phone Booth and Aisle: Coma.
Sokoban: Coma had by a warehouse keeper who dropped a crate on their head.
Chip's Challenge: Coma.
Chip's Challenge 2: Coma. Apparently having too many nosebleeds can really do something to you.
Chuck's Challenge: Definitely a coma.
Ace Attorney series: Coma.
Chuck's Challenge 3D: Coma.
Ben 10 5D Game Generator: Coma.
Aisle: Coma.
You Have to Put the Ball in the Cup: Coma.
You Have to Put the Ball in the Cup Physical Version: A non-fictional coma.
You Have to Put the Ball in the Cup *DELUXE EDITION*: Deluxe coma.
Cactus Block: Coma.
Cactus Block 2013: See, the Cactus Block coma lasted a long time.
Yellow Jogger Laser Platform Madness: Coma.
Yellow Jogger Laser Platform Madness 2017: The Yellow Jogger is never going to wake up from his coma.
Powerhouse: Coma within a coma.
Every .io game: Coma.
Freedom Planet: Coma.
Mario Bros.: Coma.
Sonic and the Yellow Jogger: Coma.
Metal Gear Solid series: Coma.
Pokemon Blue: Blue coma.
Pokemon Red: Red coma.
Sonic and the Green Jogger: Green coma.
Portal: Coma.
Half-Life: Coma.
Half-Life 3: Coma.
VG2: Coma.
Frank Sinatra in "River, Stay Away From My Door": Coma. Not Frank Sinatra's coma, though.
Tile Studio: Coma.
Tile World: Coma.
Tile Factory: Completely unrelated coma.
Family Feud: Coma.
bbycast: Coma.
Keylugger: Coma.
!!!!!! - The Game That Appears First In Alphabetical Listings: Coma had by a man who was strapped upside-down to a ceiling.
VVVVVV: Coma had by another man who was also strapped upside-down to a ceiling.
Within a Deep Forest: Coma.
ModArchive Story: Coma in .mod format, somehow.
MAS2: Operator Status: Coma.
100 Nano Dragon: Coma.
Tetris: Coma.
Sudoku: Coma.
Pong: Coma, in which the ball is the patient and the paddles are abusive doctors.
Breakout: Coma, where someone's trying to wake the patient by slamming them against a wall.
Snake: Coma.
Super Kaizo World: Coma.
Enough Plumbers: Many comas.
Enough Plumbers 2: Many more comas.
Portal 2: Coma.
Snakes on a Cartesian Plane: Coma.
Undertale: Coma.
NetHack: Coma.
ADOM: Coma.
Mystery Dungeon series: Previous coma, but in Japan.
Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series: Previous coma, but milked for all its worth.
Chocobo's Dungeon series: Previous coma, but... wait, what?
Etrian Mystery Dungeon: What the hell?
Rogue: Coma.
Final Fantasy series: All comas.
Super Smash Bros. series: Basically like, twelve hospitals full of patients who are all simultaneously in comas.
Minecraft: Coma.
Metroid: Coma in space.
Candy Crush Saga: Coma. The person having the coma is being robbed blind.
Super Metroid: Coma in space, and this time you can walljump.
I Wanna Be The Guy: The Movie: The Game: Coma.
Zork: Coma.
Getting Over It: Coma.
Sexy Hiking: Sexier coma.

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ncrecc Plot Inventory

I'm told this is what cool people do. Domination fantasies in red, fantasies of being dominated(???) in blue. Will be updated as I make more games.

Lesson in Trickery: Kidnap blue people with sticky nets.
Sokoban Jr.: Understand the basics of the game.
Trail: Go home.
Jumper Two TutorialKindaThing: Read text blocks.
Xtreme Gardening: Stop on yellow dots while simultaneously gardening at 50mph.
You Have to Put the Machine in the Juni: Be a morally ambiguous surgeon.
Super Kaizo Pling: Get the ball in the X.
NOTPRISON: Get shot.
super security protocol: Turn off devices and kick ass.
Press A to Slow Down Zone: Transition between screens.
Get focus: Destroy a cave and everyone in it by doing absolutely nothing.
YELLOW JOGGE: Get your shoes back.
Kaizo Pling 2: Kaizo Pling: Get the ball in the X, again.
Super Associative Block Pushing to elevator muzak: Have your call transferred.
cat game: Open and close a door.
Jump the City: Get arrested.
Super Kaizo Pling 2: Kaizo Pling 3: Get the ball in the X... at night.
9 Boring Levels: Leave your opinion.
PSYCHO PLING IV: THE CALLING OF THE INSANITY: Get the ball in the X, except this time you're the violent ghost of a murderer.
garden: Explode.
What is google adwords and which is top ppc agencies?: Correctly identify things.
In The Case Of Shifting Tipping Is Imperative Or Not When Hire Packers And Movers Bangalore: Get from one side of a building to another.
000000bestknyttauthor - bestknyttgame: Get TO Doctro Clictchies Lab Or Else The Bomjb Will Go Offwards
PICK UP THE PHONE BOOTH AND AISLE RIPOFF: Do anything imaginable within the constraints of anything I've bothered to imagine.
Wait: Examine signs.
0 Kaizo Pling: The Prelude: Get the ball in the X, except this time it's more all-around embarrassing.
Simple Block Observing Game: Observe blocks.
Nectar: Destroy the world and everyone in it by doing absolutely something or other.

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