25/Aug/1997 - Evolution in Action I just spotted this in THIS is TRUE and figured the rest of you needed to see it: SEARCHING FOR A HEART WHEN IN NEED OF A BRAIN: Twelve thieves broke into the Yunnan Tin Co. in Gejun, China, and stole so much tin that they needed four taxis to help haul it all away. The tin had been recovered from ore with help from arsenic, which forms a poison gas when exposed to water. It was raining during the theft. Eight of the gang are dead; two are in critical condition. (AFP) ...Just another case of natural deselection in action. 26/Aug/1997 - Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support 12> "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" 11> "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it." 10> "So -- what are you wearing?" 9> "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" 8> "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n." 7> "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." 6> "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." 5> "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." 4> "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." 3> "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" 2> "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support... 1> "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] 30/Aug/1997 - You think you're unique? [This is mildly amusing to me. Several people found it totally killer, though, so I figure I'll send it out. Courtesy of Drew] DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like moron and wish you had listened. 1) pick a number from 1-9 2) subtract 5 3) multiply by 3 4) square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root) 5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64= 6+4= 10= 1+0=1) 6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4. 7) multiply by 2 8) subtract 6 9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc... 10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter 11) take the second letter in the country name and think of an animal that begins with that letter 12) think of the color of that animal (keep scrolling) ************************************************************ * DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE ************************************************************ Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry. You have a grey elephant from Denmark, don't you? Freaky, isn't it?? 3/Sep/97 - Cooperative Story Writong This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca and Gary English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. ---------------------------------------------------------------- At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!" This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. You total $*&. Stupid %&#$!. 5/Sep/97 - Turn About A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" 5/Sep/97 - Cause and Effect Understanding Cause And Effect A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch". Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can reach out my paw and catch the salmon for my dinner". Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the river and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear as a trophy". Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I will grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket". Unbeknownst to the mouse a cat was hiding in the bushes and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear, the mouse will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump on the mouse". So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught the fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the hunter rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich from the hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the river. The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet pussy. 6/Sep/97 - Worst Convenience Foods The 8 Worst Convenience Foods ----------------------------- 8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease. 7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered. 6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs. 5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone." 4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where eveyone happily consumes Vegemite? 3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs. 2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread. 1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level. 8/Sep/97 - Corporate Haikus Corporate Haikus Fields of white daisies Now stained by fresh blood -- Our offsite meeting has failed. Heat shimmers from the cars Around my parking place; They all want my job. Ponderous, the glacial ice Flows still faster than My corporation. Savor a deadline; it is merely an excuse to stay up all night. A marketing bird! He tells me, tells me, and then tells me what he told me. Sunset is never ensnared in a choice between cost and quality. (c) copyright 1993 by William Warriner 9/Sep/97 - Job Placement Test Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. And if they've left early, put them in Sales. 12/Sep/97 - Bill Gates' Diary The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates' Diary 11> Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome. 10> Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet. 9> The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price. 8> Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute! 7> Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters. 6> Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole. 5> Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes! 4> Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days! 3> Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes. 2> Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars. and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates' Diary... 1> Seventh day: rested. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] 12/Sep/97 - Three Envelopes The departing CEO of a large corporation pulled his successor aside. He handed him three numbered envelopes. "If you ever get in too deep to dig your way out," he said. "Open these envelopes in order and do what they tell you." Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits' end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes." 16/Sep/97 - Cultural Values A Texan, a Californian, and a Seattlite are sitting at a crowded bar. The Texan grabs a bottle of Tequila, unscrews the top, takes a good swig, and throws the bottle into the air. He then pulls out a .45 caliber pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying Tequila all over everything. The other patrons at the bar shout, "Hey, why'd you waste that?!" The Texan says, "Hell, it's just Tequila. Where I come from, we got lotsa Tequila." The Californian, not to be outdone, whips out a corkscrew and opens a bottle of wine, pours a bit into a glass, swirls it, sniffs it, sips it, then throws the bottle into the air, and shoots it with a little silver pistol. The patrons again express their displeasure and astonishment at such a waste of a good bottle of wine. The Californian says, "Napa Valley, we got lots of great wine down there." The Seattlite borrows the corkscrew, pops the cap off a battle of Red Hook and downs the entire bottle. He throws the empty bottle into the air, grabs the Texan's .45, shoots the Californian and simultaneously catches the falling bottle. Now the people are screaming, "Why'd you do that!!??" The Seattlite replies, "We got lots of Californians, but I can recycle this bottle." 18/Sep/97 - Programming Languages Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet. Ada in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants. C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor. 18/Sep/97 - Bill of No Rights Bill of No Rights We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights. You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy. You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you. You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure. You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat. You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights. 18/Sep/97 - Duck! The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway. 18/Sep/97 - Stalked by Martha Stewart The Top 15 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart 15> Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking about you... and that's a good thing!" 14> Contents of your curbside recycling tub stolen and replaced with juice can pencil holders and milk carton flower vases. 13> On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door. 12> You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows. 11> Size 6 Bruno Magli imprints on all your doilies. 10> You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce. 9> The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you -- even after you leave the bathroom. 8> You discover that every napkin in the whole friggin' house has been folded into a swan. 7> No matter *where* you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork. 6> Annoying crank phone calls begin with, "Hold, please, for Ms. Stewart." 5> Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying. 4> That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl. 3> The sharpened macaroni shells underfoot in the bathroom are stained to match the shower curtain. 2> You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice. and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart... 1> You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple. 23/Sep/97 - 911 Call A 911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything. Fearing the worst, the operator calls back, and a little boy answers the phone in whispering voice ... [barely audible] Hello! (Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911? [barely audible] "No!" (Operator) O.K., is your mommy home? [barely audible] "Yes." (Operator) Can I speak to her, please? [barely audible] "No." (Operator) "Why not?" [barely audible] "Because she's busy!" (Operator) "Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?" [barely audible] "Yes." (Operator) "Well, can I speak to him?" [barely audible] "No!" (Operator) "Well, my goodness, why not?" [barely audible] "Because he's busy too!" (Operator) "OH, goodness! What's he busy doing?" [barely audible] "Talking to the police." (Operator) "Oh, so the police are there?" [barely audible] "Yes." (Operator) "Can I speak to one of them?" [barely audible] "No!" (Operator) "Why not?" [barely audible] "Because they are really busy." (Operator) "Well, what's your mom busy doing?" [barely audible] "Talking to the firemen." (Operator) "Can I speak to one of the firemen then, please?" [barely audible] "No." (Operator) "Well, goodness, why not?" [barely audible] "Because they are really busy too!" (Operator) "Well, what are all of these people busy doing?" [barely audible] "Looking for me!" 7/Oct/97 - Of Dogs and Men WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN -- Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with. -- Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. -- You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. -- Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. -- The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.) -- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. -- Dogs miss you when you're gone. -- You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. -- Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. -- Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). -- Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together. -- Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. -- You can train a dog. -- Dogs understand what "no" means. -- Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species. -- Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. -- Dogs think you are a culinary genius. -- You can house train a dog. -- Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. -- Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair. -- Dogs are nice to your relatives. -- Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. -- Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake. -- Dogs admit it when they're lost. -- Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff. -- Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. -- Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. -- Dogs mean it when they kiss you. -- You can force a dog to take a bath. HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME -- Both take up too much space on the bed. -- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. -- Both are threatened by their own kind. -- Both like to chew wood. -- Both mark their territory. -- Both are bad at asking you questions. -- Neither tells you what's bothering them. -- Both tend to smell riper with age. -- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. -- Neither do dishes. -- Both fart shamelessly. -- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. -- Both like dominance games. -- Both are suspicious of the postman. -- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. -- Neither understands what you see in cats. -- Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS -- Men only have two feet to track in mud. -- Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block. -- Men open their own cans. -- Dogs have dog breath ALL the time -- Men can do math stuff. -- Holiday Inns accept men. -- Men don't eat cat turds on the sly. 8/Oct/97 - Catholic Tough Love A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! Not only to him, but to his mom and dad, too! They tried anything and everything to help their son... private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMs, extra textbooks, even hypnosis. Nothing worked. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass. The whole shootin' match. Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing. They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card - unopened - in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!? Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son! "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No." "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!" "How so?", asked his mom. "When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious! 11/Oct/97 - Windows 95 on Mir Top 10 Signs the New Mir Computer is Running Windows 95 by mike popovic # 10: The computer keeps asking you to "Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue" #9: There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data. #8: The computer refuses to interact with the Mir's "Mr. Java" coffee maker. #7: Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900#. #6: Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite's computers to keep their system running. #5: The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since "the proper driver cannot be found" #4: The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support, the solar panels and thrusters at the same time. #3: The astronauts spend three days looking for Cyrillic version of the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys. #2: Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror. And the number one sign the new Mir computer is running Windows 95.... #1: You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg 11/Oct/97 - Learn From Your Kids Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding) ------------------------------------------------------------ There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A four-years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing underwear and a Superman cape. It is, however, strong enough to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house four inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. Duplos will not. "Play Dough" and "Microwave" should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show that they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You do not want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (although mostly in retrospect). 14/Oct/97 - Star Trek Meets Dilbert What the 24th century would be like under today's management techniques: After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak". Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's record keeping as he's stripped for parts. All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone. Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien females and smirk a lot. As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts. Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel disability claims. The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet Command because they're still running an old version of Windows and can't get budget approval for the upgrade. As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows). Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengis, the Q, and the Romulans. A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's counselor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later. The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they're still only getting 3% raises. 14/Oct/97 - More Interesting Facts The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) AND the Steel Bridge (Portland, Oregon) are the only places in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. Emus cannot walk backwards. The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY. There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen blimps are in the United States. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and he didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F. Camel's milk does not curdle. "Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison. The word "modem" is a contraction of the words "modulate, demodulate." (MOdulateDEModulate) Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and Australia have participated in every Games. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound. Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. Giraffes have no vocal cords. The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. No word in the English language rhymes with month. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize. Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured. Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." 18/Oct/97 - A short History of Medicine I have an earache... 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. 18/Oct/97 - Satan Visits Bill Gates... Again "Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..." "Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?" "It's tiiiiime..." "Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the third-floor kitchen again, and..." "Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs' head on a platter." "Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I..." "Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me." "Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..." "Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man in the world! You've got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful company on the planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN server! And frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons I've come to collect. If you can't get my network to run right, you'll spend the afterlife writing Windows applications that run on doorbells..." "What's your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2? You're a funny guy for someone who breathes fire." "Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java..." "Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants again like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share." "Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through Netscape Navigator." "That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used to do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many espressos isn't going to displace Windows as an applications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs." "Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give God a strategic technology advantage!" "Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?" "Interesting. Tell me more." "Wait a minute. What's in it for me?" "I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this second." "Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable." "Disable what?" "Disable Java support in Internet Explorer." "You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?" "That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape 50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge Communicator with Lotus Notes." "The Department of Justice will..." "Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies want to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don't have to sell Fords. Pepsi's restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to support Java?" "It's an industry standard..." "It's an industry hallucination." "There will be a public outcry..." "From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up to their nosehairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java is still a cute word for coffee." "What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?" "Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two years. It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web access. If they come to a site that doesn't work because of Java, they'll simply jump to the next one. Trust me, developers will switch to ActiveX faster than you can say 'Playstation.'" "What about other platforms..." "Like Intel has competition?" "Interactive TV..." "We call it WebTV in Redmond." "Venture capitalists have invested billions..." "To get a date with Kim Polese." "Sun will write a plug-in..." "Not without the hidden APIs." "Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay." "Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement..." 21/Oct/97 - World's most dangerous golf courses The next time you complain about that tricky water hole on your favorite golf course, just be glad it isn't filled with crocodiles. According to the April issue of Men's Health magazine, here are the 10 most dangerous golf courses around the world: Lost City Golf Course, Sun City, South Africa: The 13th green is fronted by a stone pit filled with crocodiles, some stretching up to 15 feet long. Elephant Hills Country Club, Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe: The fairways are sometimes marked by craters caused by mortar shells fired across the Zambezi River. Compton Par-3 Golf Course, Compton, California: If you like high caliber excitement, this is your place. Home to Crips versus Bloods, Ryder Cup-style competition. Machrie Hotel Golf Course, Islay, Scotland: On this old-fashioned, lay of the land links, virtually every drive and approach is blind, played over huge sand dunes. Incoming! Scholl Canyon Golf Course, Glendale, California: Built on a landfill, it ran into difficulties when golfers snagged clubs on buried tires and methane gas rose up from the divots. They now pump the gas to the local power company. Pelham Bay and Split Rock golf courses, Bronx, New York: Pelham's remote location makes it ideal for dumping unfortunate souls. In a recent 10-year period, 13 bodies were said to have been found. Singapore Island Country Club, Singapore: In the 1982 Singapore Open, pro Jim Stewart encountered a 10-foot cobra. He killed it, only to watch in horror as another emerged from its mouth. Beachwood Golf Course, Natal, South Africa: Mrs. Molly Whitaker successfully executed a bunker shot here a few years back, but was then attacked by a monkey who leaped from the bush and tried to strangle her. An alert caddie dispatched the ape. Plantation Golf and Country Club, Gretna, Louisiana: With 18 holes shoved into 61 acres (less than half the norm) players must huddle against protective fencing while awaiting their turn. Lundin Links, Fife, Scotland: Enjoyable links near St. Andrews, unless you're Harold Wallace, who in 1950 was hit by a train while crossing the tracks beyond the fifth green. 23/Oct/97 - Search and Rescue Just read this in the latest issue of Explore magazine. Sure, you might get lost, but don't worry, you're biodegradable. 23/Oct/97 - Offensive dwarf joke Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shakes his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asks. "I couldn't even get on the bed!" 23/Oct/97 - Rejection Lines