-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Professional Bagpiper (and sometime movie extra), Kevin Hendryx passes on this bit of musical humor Captain Queeg goes into a harbor bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this here octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old mandolin. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes it, and starts playing a few choruses of "Rawhide." Captain Queeg quickly pockets the fifty bucks. The next bar patron comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its chops and starts playing "Stella By Starlight." Yet another $50 is handed over to the smiling captain. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears into the back room, returning a few minutes with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the captain and his octopus, "Now, I'll bet you a hundred dollars your damn octopus can't play that!" The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from a different angle and then starts the process over again. Puzzled, the captain comes over to the octopus and asks, "What are you waiting around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!" "Play it, hell!" frowned the octopus. "As soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off, we're outta here!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The State Of The Union Address That President Clinton Should Have Given. Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every butt that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and that kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine. God Bless AMERICA. Thank you -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards." -- Michael O'Brien -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET: Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet NEW YORK--A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a Children's Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet will soon join the show's cast. "The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame Street episodes throughout the program's 28-year history," said Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. "But the letter D does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with the show." Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter. The gay muppet, "Roger," will be introduced on Sesame Street Dec. 23, CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other sponsors have pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape of the episode before it makes a decision. Many public-television insiders believe D's withdrawal was motivated by a desire not to alienate religious conservatives, a section of the population that employs the letter frequently. "D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and doctrine, words crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian Coalition," said Yale University political-science professor J. Wright Franklin. "It is likely that D felt it could ill afford to offend such a large segment of its users." While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been secured by Sesame Street, the number three will temporarily fill in for it in a number of the show's animated shorts. Other pieces will simply skip from C to E, with vocalists stretching out C into two syllables to match the rhythm of the alphabet song. Sesame Street is stung by the sudden departure of its longtime supporter. Speaking to reporters, cast member Cookie Monster said: "Me disappointed letter D choose to end relationship with Sesame Street due to pressure from extremely vocal minority. We accused of endorsing deviant lifestyle. Me say homosexuality natural, not immoral. Diversity and enrichment. That's good enough for me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung. The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that calf have a mother?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. -- Emo Phillips The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference." -- Emo Phillips A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it. -- Emo Phillips You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back. -- Emo Phillips ****** Emo Phillips joke I went to school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?," and I said, "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principal's office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He said, "Emo, how would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" I said, "I don't know if I could do it exactly, but I could try." He said, "I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya weirdo." He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the school psychologist." And I said, "But why do I have to see the school psychologist?" So he shows me the petition. So I went to the psychologist and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, it's kind of embarrassing." He said, "Emo, everyone sees something silly. Don't be embarrassed. Tell me, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it looks like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorschach series to test obsessive compulsiveness." And he got kind of depressed, so I said, "OK, it's a butterfly." And he cheered up. "And what does this inkblot look like?" I said "It looks like a horrible, ugly blob of pure evil, that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation." He said, "No, uh the inkblot's over there, that's a photo of my wife you're looking at." "Oh, was I far off?" He said, "No, that's the sad part." And he gave me a chocolate easter bunny and I ate the bunny, then I thought, hey, this isn't easter. "Is this a test?" And he said, "Yes." "And what does it mean?" He said, "Had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal. Had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex. Had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent Oedipal complex." "Well...go on, what does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream 'stop staring at me?'" He said, "It means you have a tendency towards self destruction." I said, "Well, what do you recommend?" He said, "Go for it." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I get closer in touch with my inner sociopath." "I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault." "In some cultures what I do would be considered normal." "Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others." "My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment." "I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all." "I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me." "I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, whine and complain." "As I learn the innermost secrets of those around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet." "Whenever someone hurts me, I know forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit but not nearly as gratifying." "As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun." "I am one with my duality." "Only a lack of imagination spares me from my imaginary fears." "I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws." "Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than 'I told you so.'" "A good scapegoat is often times better than a solution to the problem." "Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV; instead, I will move my TV into the bedroom." "The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working." "I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage." "Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step; blaming my parents." "I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for those around me in which I can ridicule and demean." "To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it appear as if I am giving as much as I am getting." "I am now willing to make mistakes as long as someone else is willing to learn from them." "Joan of Arc heard voices too." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wanted: Water Fowl Hazer Deadline Application Date: 12-31-96 Job Description: Responsible for preventing high bacteria levels in a NYC watershed reservoir. The job includes driving boats and hovercrafts, and firing pyrotechnics. The Water Fowl Hazer gets to drive around all day in a boat, shooting rockets in the direction of birds to scare them away. In the winter, instead of a boat, a hovercraft is used to get around on the ice. To qualify, you must have: Any small boating knowledge Any water fowl birding experience Any type of Biology or Natural Sciences degree To apply, contact Jim Morrison at: LMS Engineers, 1 Blue Hill Plaza, Pearl River, NY 10965 Last Updated 9/10/96 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brandon, Troy, and Kevin got lost in the jungle and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. All three men went their separate ways to gather the fruit. Brandon came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples". The king explained the trial to him, "You have to shove the fruit up your butt without any expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. Troy arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. Brandon and Troy met in heaven. Brandon asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" Troy replied, "I couldn't help it, I looked up and saw Kevin coming back with pineapples." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order. "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom and answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again, the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please". This time her anger takes over. She reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I noticed the other day that the guy who wrote the song "Hokey-Pokey" recently passed away. Although saddened by his death, I was glad to be reminded of the song. It was the first song I learned in Sunday school, along with "Climb Up Sunshine Mountain." I think that's one of the problems the Sunday school movement is facing today: no hokey-pokey. So I thought as a kind of memorial I'd offer an exegetical piece on it. Because much of what I know about theology, I learned from Hokey-Pokey. "You put your right foot in." No surprise here. Some of the literal-minded among us used to wonder "in what?"; but most children of goodwill got the general idea. "You take your right foot out." Why not? You put it in in the first place. You give, and then you take. Here we have an almost Johannine dualism that echoes the classic rhythms of life and death, love and hate, network and cable. You share, then you withdraw. You are neither enmeshed nor engaged. No co-dependents allowed in this game. Here we learn about boundaries. It's my foot, and if I say "in," then "in" it is, but I can "out" at any time. (Some redaction critics see here the influence of the so-called "deutero-Hokey" Minirth-Meier tradition.) "You put your right foot in." Here's the element of surprise. Nobody could have seen this one coming. The right foot was gone, and we had no reason to hope it should ever be back. But just when it seemed darkest, there's the right foot--in again. It's the motif of the Prodigal Foot--first at home (in); then off to a distant country (out); then it "comes to its senses and returns home" (in). This time we know it's home to stay. And so we "shake it all about." Of course. Who could hold it still? The next phrase is shrouded in mystery. "Do the Hokey-Pokey and turn yourself around." The difficulty here, of course, is the term and. For the only motion involved is "turning yourself around," so what precisely does it mean to "do the Hokey-Pokey"? Perhaps it is an internal thing. Maybe you do it in your heart. Some hokeyologists say this is supported by the fact that "turn," in the original Greek, is epistrepho--the same word used for "conversion." This may be why at the end of the song you must "put your whole self in"--climaxing a subtle movement through the whole piece toward a call for existential abandonment and commitment. (Even the phrase "Hokey-Pokey" itself is a little obscure, when you stop to think about it. Is "hokey" to be taken as an adjective, telling us that "pokey" is a little on the tacky side, as opposed to some more glamorous pokey? We don't know and probably never will.) "That's what it's all about." There's clarity for you. So many people wonder: "What's it all about?" The Hokey-Pokey doesn't shilly-shally on this one--comes right out and tells you. They don't write them like that anymore. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a 'nooner'. "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims, "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A business had just moved into a building of its own, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: "Rest in Peace" Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry....imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: Congratulations on your new location! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." --Jim Carrey "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." --Jack Mayberry "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" --Jake Johansen "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry Seinfeld "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez "And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'" --Emo Phillips -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JOB SECURITY QUIZ Many of us have been there. Something just doesn't click with the new boss. Or maybe we're just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, we've got to calculate the odds of being canned. Take this quiz and find out you chances of survival in the job world. 1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you... A) Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. B) Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level. 2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? A) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you. B) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. C) Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock." 3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do? A) Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns. B) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills. C) Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities. 4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do? A) Listen politely, and then apologize. B) Blame someone else. C) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union." 5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you... A) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper. B) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously. C) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it. 6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do? A) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too. B) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-workers into doing it while pretending to be you. C) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead. 7. Your boss' gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react? A) Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss' daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for her to go to the movie by herself. B) Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up. C) Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive. 8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you... A) Clean the office while he supervises. B) Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to. C) Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face. SCORING Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat. Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk. Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to." "I was working smarter - not harder." "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper." "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance." "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead." "I'm in the management training program." "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend." "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!" "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?" "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..." "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?" "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands." "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot." "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a higher number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again. Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family. Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with these other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard and Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed--permanently. Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the on-line registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or purchasing habits, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner. We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Help line and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Help line is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.) If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats. Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!! "And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks. "Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality." "And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately. She proceeds to explain: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers." "Very interesting....." the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?" The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto....Tonto Goldstein.