-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three, hmmm, well when were they?" he asked as his face turned red, but realizing he had pressured her... "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club .... And you were 17 votes short...." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU MIGHT BE IN THE HEALTH CARE FIELD IF........ Discussing dismemberment (or rectal exams) over gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you. You find humor in other people's stupidity. You believe in serial spraying of Prozac. Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint. You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis. You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce. You think unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says "Boy it sure is quiet around here." When you are out in public you compliment complete strangers on their veins. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide.....getting it right the first time". You have ever had to leave a patient's room before laughing hysterically. You think caffeine should be available IV form. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience. You commonly utter the phrase "What changed tonight at 2 AM that made this an emergency AFTER 6 MONTHS?!" You believe that "Too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. You think putting a Valium salt lick in the ER waiting room is a novel idea. When you mention vegetables, you are not thinking of a food group. You have been exposed to so many Xrays, you don't bother with birth control. You have used the words "Healthcare Reform" to strike fear in the hearts of co-workers. You have heard "Why, I don't know how that got stuck in there" too many times. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN.... 1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as: a) Lovemaking b) Screwing c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b) Your blood-test results c) Five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that: a) Your partner climaxes first b) You both climax simultaneously c) You don't miss SportsCenter 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) Healthy, creative love-play b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) The best part of the experience b) The second best part of the experience c) $100 extra 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a) No concern of yours b) Not a problem - she can join your gym c) A conservative estimate 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) A myth b) An oxymoron c) A moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as: a) Appetizer is to entree b) Priming is to painting c) A queue is to an amusement park ride 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) "I hope we can still be friends." b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...." c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy b) Is uptight and a waste of time c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client 10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it. 9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at. 8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here. 7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone. 6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving. 5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school. 4. So what do you need me to tell you? 3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so. 2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month project. 1. What are you, stupid? Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview 10. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person. 9. Do you pay overtime? 8. I hate flying. 7. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night. 6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. 5. Do you cover rental cars for collision? 4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers. 3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases. 2. Two words: family first. 1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people. Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant 10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period". 9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late. 8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is your day." 7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation. 6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom. 5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line." 4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review. 3. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals. 2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points. 1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win". Top Ten Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug 10. Can't stop using words that don't exist. 9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins. 8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking a foreign language. 7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about. 6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated. 5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere. 4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of "War and Peace" into a two-by-two matrix. 3. Tired of having a social life beyond work. 2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert. 1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience. Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant 10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this. 9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added". 8. How about paying us based on the success of the project? 7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read. 6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do. 5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that. 4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports. 3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department. 2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people. 1. Everything looks okay to me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following are actual stories told to travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)... A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." her response....click. A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map." Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes have numbers on them." A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever." A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kitty Litter Cake 1 18.5 oz. package spice cake mix 1 18.5 oz. package white cake mix 2 4-serving packages instant vanilla pudding mix 1 12 oz. box vanilla wafer cookies, crushed 6-10 Tootsie Rolls Confectioner's sugar 1 Preferably brand new kitty litter pan 1 Preferably brand new plastic pooper scooper Green food coloring Plastic flies (can substitute raisins) Prepare the cakes and pudding according to package directions. Crumble the baked cake into the kitty litter pan, then add the pudding and mix. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of the cookie crumbs and set aside; mix the rest into the pan. Soften the Tootsie Rolls by placing in the microwave for 10 seconds on high and shape to resemble cat droppings. Arrange the Tootsie Rolls on top of the cookie pudding-cake mixture; sprinkle with green cookie crumbs. Decorate with plastic flies (or raisin substitute), if desired. Serve with the pooper scooper. Recipe by Carolyn Wyman, author of The Kitchen Sink Cookbook:Offbeat Recipes from Unusual Ingredients. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, thats so god can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad thats great", said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming, and if it hadn't of been for those two sailors holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer Support is like teaching kindergarten. All day long, you sit and read to people who can't do it for themselves. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE RULES OF LIFE: 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. 25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. 26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it is a do-it-yourself thing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- True preparation for parenthood at ANY age: Lesson 1 1. Go to the supermarket. 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. 3. Go home. 4. Pick up the paper. 5. Read it for the last time. Lesson 2 1. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their... * Methods of discipline * Lack of patience * Appallingly low tolerance levels * Allowing their children to run wild. 2. Suggest ways in which they might improve: * Their child's sleeping habits * Toilet training * Table manners and * Overall behavior. Enjoy it--it will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. Lesson 3 To discover how the nights will feel... 1. Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. 3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM. 4. Set the alarm for 3 AM. 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink. 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM. 7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM. 9. Put the alarm on for 5AM. 10. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Lesson 4 Can you stand the mess children make? To find out... 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. 2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed, 4. Then, rub them on the clean walls. 5. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? Lesson 5 Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: 1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this --all morning. Lesson 6 1.Take an egg carton 2. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. 3. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. 4. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. 5. Last take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops. 6. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Lesson 7 Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player. 3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. 4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect. Lesson 8 Get ready to go out. 1. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. 2. Go out the front door. 3. Come in again. 4. Go out. 5. Come back in. 6. Go out again. 7. Walk down the front path. 8. Walk back up it. 9. Walk down it again. 10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. 11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. 12. Retrace your steps. 13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you. 14. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Lesson 9 Repeat everything at least, if not more, five times. Lesson 10 Go to the local supermarket. 1. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child.... a full-grown goat is excellent. 2. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. 3. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. 4. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. 5. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Lesson 11 Feeding your baby 1. Hollow out a melon. 2. Make a small hole in the side. 3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. 4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. 6. Tip half into your lap...the other half just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby. Lesson 12 Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Disney. Watch nothing else on T.V. for at least five years. Lesson 13 1. Move to the tropics. 2. Find or make a compost pile. 3. Dig down about half way in and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for two years. Lesson 14 Make a recording of Fran Fine (The Nanny) saying "Mommy" repeatedly. Important... No more than a four second delay between each "mommy" Occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with an toddler. Lesson 15 1. Start talking to an adult of your choice. 2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the tape made from FOURTEEN above. 3. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Lesson 16 Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day in which you have an important meeting. 1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1/4 cup lemon juice in it. 2. Stir. 3. Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this mixture. 4. Attempt to wipe it off with this towel. 5. Do NOT change. You have no time. 6. Go directly to work. Lesson 17 Go for a ride, but first.... 1. Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls. 2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car. 3. Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car. 4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat. For the really adventurous...Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles. "The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MODERN PHILOSOPHIES OF THE CYNIC =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine from Mississippi was cramming with friends in a study room in her dorm one night. Between them and the Coke machine was another room. Now, you have to understand something about my friend Lori. She's got this frighteningly rosy glow, completely dark brown eyes and dramatic hair. She's one of those hyperactively anal students whose glare, when she's concentrating, makes you cringe. When she wears dark green and silver, you can imagine her standing on the battle field in front of a bunch of blue-painted guys, chanting and wielding something unidentifiable but obviously dangerous. Anyway, that night she's in her nightgown, something modest but shimmery. She walks out for her first coke of the night, and walks into this crowd of loungers, mostly in black. She went to MSMS, so she can handle this, walks on with barely a pause. Everyone stares at her. She walks back, gets the same stare. She goes on two more trips with the same results. Finally, on her way back through the room, some kid stops her. "Mental challenge," he says. She spends about three seconds building up the static charge while she looks at him, and then says, "I win." And it's obvious, as she walks out without a look back, that everybody believes her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment. Please don't drive when you're not driving. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave, he's just not crying. Big difference. When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do. What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view. When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' it would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly. When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary. When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together. No, you can't have the remote control. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by the two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up between them and entered the small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your mother." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will You do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions him, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to doctor Michel with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and still there is no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know how those novelty shops (Spencer's, et. al.), as if required by some obscure law, all carry those cutesy keychains with various sayings on them? Well, I happen to know that in your deepest innermost desire, you really wanted a list of those ever so witty sayings... - I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people. - We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God. - Discourage inbreeding; ban country music. - Life is short. Don't be a dick. - Starlight Starbright where the hell is Mr.Right - To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group - I majored in liberal arts, would you like fries w/that. - I majored in philosophy, would you like fries w/that. - I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear - I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say? - I'm 17. Give me your credit cards, give me your keys and get out of my way. - You're just jealous cause the voices talk to me. - It's Miss Bitch to you. - Lost your cat? Look under my tires. - How do you keep an idiot amused? Turn over...(on both sides of keychain) - I am so good in bed that when i have sex even the neighbors need a cigarette. - If you're rich, I'm single. - If you don't like my driving, then get off the sidewalk! - Give me a quarter or I'll touch you! - To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run! - I am so broke, I can't even pay attention. - I was put on this planet to make your life miserable. - In God we trust. All others we monitor. - That dress just screams Crack Whore. - The nuns made me dress this way. - You! Out of the gene pool!