-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for as least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking student knocked on his door. "Yes?" he said. "How may I help you?" The lady replied, "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class." "Come in and have a seat," said the instructor. Closing the door behind her, she said "I'll do anything to get an A in your class." "What do you mean by anything?" he asked. "Anything." "Anything?" he said again. She said in her best sultry voice, "I mean anything." The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, "Would you study?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored 6 men before I wrestled it down to the ground by the horns with my bare hands." The second cowboy, not to be outdone, says "That's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ultimate Oneness By JAY JENNINGS NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney. In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word." --- CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever." The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1. --- BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one novel a month. The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol, and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads into new markets, like college literature classes. "It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my production schedule." An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through when Mr. King was informed that the company was not John Updike. --- WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes across the country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will supplant the recently created Birdfish Group as the world's largest supplier of home companion services. --- PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into one sex, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved. A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream for them. Women were unavailable for comment. --- ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell. "Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and all radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good of consumers." Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of president. Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because the executives could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined company. Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back." Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs. Jay Jennings is a writer in Concord, N.H. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stupid Award of the Day: Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of University of New Hampshire. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story: This declaration of the stupid award goes to a customer today. Below is an approximate conversation with her. ==================================================== Lady: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it. Ian: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk? Lady: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee. Ian: Is there more milk or coffee? Lady: Oh, definitely more coffee. Ian: So that's a coffee with some extra milk. Lady: Just the usual amount of milk. Ian: A coffee with milk. Lady: Yes. Ian: Anything else? Lady: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine? Ian: We do have decaf. Lady: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine. Ian: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine. Lady: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine? Ian: Milk doesn't come with caffeine. Lady: Yes it does. Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk? Lady: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine. Ian: Oh, your right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else? Lady: Do you have any bagels? Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels. Lady: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds. Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am. Lady: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels) Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added. Lady: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards? Ian: No ma'am, cash only. Lady: What about visa? Ian: Is that a credit card? Lady: Well, yes. Vinnie: Is it cash? Lady: No. Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it. Lady: What about checks? Ian: Cash ma'am, nothing else. Lady: Ok. how much is that? Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents. (insert: for a cup of coffee, if you missed that. I did, at first.) Lady: Really? Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself. Lady: Ok. (proceeds to write a check) Vinnie: Please leave. Lady: Why? Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now. Lady: But what about my coffee? Vinnie: Leave and never return. She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. ...I'm serious. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my little buddy." Bartender says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?" The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my little buddy in my pocket here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted. So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks "Talk? Sure *he* talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a "Dickhead!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When John Glenn returns from space, everyone dress in ape suits. Pass it on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lawyer and an engineer met while fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat impressed. "Wow! How do you start a flood?" he asked. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A curious fellow died one day and was waiting in a long, long line for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through the line, were able to go through heaven's gates. Others were lining up behind Satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires of hell. Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and went over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, sir," he said. "I'm supposed to be in line for judgment (he didn't want satan to mistake him for someone who had already been condemned to hell) but I couldn't help but wonder why some of these people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?" "Oh," satan said with a snicker. "Those are Oregonians. They're too wet to burn." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- REAL SOFTWARE ENGINEERS DON'T READ DUMPS Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused. Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to. Real software engineers don't write applications programs; they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though. Real software engineers eat quiche. If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it. Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought. Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine." Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days. Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy. Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure. Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy. Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet. Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these). Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/1 is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in function. Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about. Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need a lot of memory to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages. Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Letter Home from Camp Dear Mom & Dad: We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was having a dinner party for some important guests. She was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. One thing led to another, and they ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his house. He ran up the stairs to the backdoor. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!" 5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. 6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." 7. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" 8. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?,"they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 10. A doctor's regular habit was to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." 11. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. 12. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 13. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. - TV listing for the Wizard of Oz in the Marin Paper -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Zen Master is visiting New York City. He goes up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "My change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My hometown was so small... * the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill * long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy * the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight * in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened * instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols * you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter * during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter * the local Motel 6 sleeps six * during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner * the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages * the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council, & street sweeper * we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up * the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik * before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home * there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alaska could hold the 21 smallest States. Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic church. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom. Kermit the Frog is left-handed. Nondairy creamer is flammable. The car in the foreground on the back of a $10 bill is a 1925 Hupmobile. Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with 20 drawings of his characters. If you can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun. If you don't, you can't see it. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0. You can try this one out yourself! Dogs and humans are the only animals with prostates. The highest scoring word in the English language game of Scrabble is 'Quartzy.' This will score 164 points if played across a red triple-word square with the Z on a light blue double-letter square. It will score 162 points if played across two pink doubleword squares with the Q and the Y on those squares. 'Bezique' and 'Cazique' are next with a possible 161 points. All three words score an extra 50 points for having seven letters and therefore emptying the letter rack in one go. Assuming Rudolph was in front, there are 40,320 ways to arrange the other eight reindeer. The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F." The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene. In the four major US professional sports (baseball, basketball, football, and hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end with an "S." Basketball: The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado Avalanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None. Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for Lord of the Flies, and this is where the book's title comes from. It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear. The ship, the Queen Elizabeth 2, should always be written as QE2. QEII is the actual queen. There were no squirrels on Nantucket Island, Massachusetts until 1989. The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself." The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a Band-Aid in every episode, either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing. Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city. John Larroquette of "NightCourt" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run. Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is Number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union. When Saigon fell, the signal for all Americans to evacuate was Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" being played on the radio. The pet ferret (Mustela putorias furo) was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat. The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home, conceals a billiards room. In Jefferson's day, billiards were illegal in Virginia.