-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 13 Afterschool Specials for the 90s 13> Michel's E-Mail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret Service 12> Larry Learns About Leather 11> My Dad is a Fifty-Year-Old Hippie, and I Want Some Discipline 10> It's a Mall World After All 9> RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenager's Guide to the Dangerous, Grown-Up, and Really Cool World of Smoking 8> I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell 7> Look Before Crossdressing 6> The Littlest Testicle 5> Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girl's Guide to Staying Skinny 4> If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don't Get Your Nipple Pierced 3> Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy 2> Yikes! My Boobs are Growing! and Top5's Number 1 Afterschool Special for the 90s... 1> Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to Miami By Yourself, Probably Isn't Really 10 Years Old Like You -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Redmond, WA (AP) -- Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo by Richard Aronson (aronson@sierratel.com) ...In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer. Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred: ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo. ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it? ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric. ERIC: How far away is it? ED: About 50 yards. ERIC: How big is it? ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top. ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it. ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo. ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it. ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo. ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way? ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo! ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened? ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it. ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded? ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO! ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow! ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo! ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away. ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you. ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin. At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HEAVEN AND HELL IN HEAVEN: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. IN HELL: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian. IN COMPUTER HEAVEN: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. IN COMPUTER HELL: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Know Your Presidents 1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack? 2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant? 3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office? 4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister? 5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"? 6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband - and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign? 7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else? 8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary? 9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them? 10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)? 11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's? 12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")? ******************** ANSWERS 1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack? John F. Kennedy 2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant? Bill Clinton 3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office? Lyndon B. Johnson 4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister? Thomas Jefferson 5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"? Bill Clinton 6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband - and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign? Andrew Jackson 7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else? George Washington 8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary? Franklin D. Roosevelt 9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them? Warren G. Harding 10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)? John F. Kennedy 11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's? Lyndon B. Johnson 12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")? Lyndon B. Johnson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be ready in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ~~~~ A cheap and practical gift.. an inexpensive tool chest~~~ ~~~~ of items to get anyone through the toughest emergency situation.~~~~ By J. William Lam, Stockton, CA (Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time._ 1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth. 2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair. 3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time. 4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins. 5. Big Rock : Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming. 6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood. 7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed. 8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set. 9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it). 10. A Quarter: For a phone call if all else fails. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >>How much to have this tooth pulled? >>Ninety dollars. >>Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work? >>Well, I can do it slower if you like. >>Hello? Is this the state mental hospital? >>Yes, it is. >>I'd like to speak to Mr. Russell in room 27. >>One moment and I'll connect you........I'm sorry, Mr. Russell is not >>answering. >>Good. That means I must have really escaped. >>A lawyer had just undergone surgery, and as he came out of the >>anesthesia, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" >>There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake >>up and think the operation was a failure. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Automated Payroll Processing Date: January 1, 00 Re: Vacation Pay Dear Valued Employee: Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time for the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work, or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22, which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After several years of studying and hard work, I have finally learned scientific jargon. The following list of phrases and their definitions will help you to understand that mysterious language of science and medicine. "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference. "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless. "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense. "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph. "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES"... He was my graduate student; his grade depended on this. "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... once "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think. "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of other guys think so too. "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong. "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it. "A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess. "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer. "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"... I don't understand it. "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either. "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Schaeffer explained to me what it meant. "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >From the UK edition of 'PC Week' 31 march, 1998: The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America. One of the ads uses the slogan "MS: It's not a software company" exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue. Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart. One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task. The other is a disease. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The Celtic countries, by the way, are the only places where you can find peat. God did this because he knew that the Celts were the only people who drink so much that they would try to burn mud." ------P.J. O'Rourke "Trips to Nowhere" from "Old Age and Guile Will Beat Out Youth, Skill, and a Bad Haircut" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Excerpted from a micro-interview with Franklin Graham, one of Billy Graham's sons, in the July 12 *New York Times* magazine: Q: You've walked on the wild side in your day. You were expelled from college, partied too much. There's even a story that you once chopped down a neighbor's tree with a machine gun. What's that feel like? A: Oh, it's fun. But it's not the most economical way to do it. It took 720 rounds and each round was about 20 cents apiece. You could buy a good chain saw for that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all of humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves inside your heart. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Reyer School; God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces all over the floor. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said "F@#k you." Sincerely, Edna Johnston -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following is a true story: Sunday night, the missus leans over to me and says, "We never go out with our friends anymore. Why is that?" "I dunno, honey." "Well let's go to a movie with them or something." "Alright." I agree, not knowing the trip to hell I've begun. Monday, an e-mail is sent to a few people: "Hey we're going to movie on Saturday, you're welcome to come along." Monday night, Friend A [Who will henceforth be called Alan] calls to confirm what movie, what time, when it's playing, where it's playing, what we'll be eating before and after and its overall running time. Tuesday, we find out that Friend B [To be called Betty] told Friend C [To be called Carla] that she was going out on Saturday, and thus Carla is feeling left out because we didn't e-mail her because we thought she was going to be out of town and thus she's crying and thinks the whole world hates her because her boyfriend broke up with her. Carla is called and invited. Wednesday, Alan calls to confirm we're still going at so and so a time, because he really wants to make sure. His ex-girlfriend might want to go out to brunch with him eight to ten hours before the movie, and so he's calling to tell us this. Thursday night, Alan calls again to confirm the movie time, because he's now not sure whether or not his ex wants to go to brunch with him, because she might not want to, because he told her that he was going to a movie with us eight hours afterward, and thus she's upset. Because of this, he might not go. Friday night, Alan calls to confirm what time we're leaving the following evening, and hasn't spoken with his ex as to whether or not he's going to brunch with her, so he's upset with her but he's not going to say anything about it to her. The Missus recommends Alan gives us a call Saturday to let us know if he'll be there. He asks what time we'll be up, and she replies "Around 10, I guess." Friday evening at about 10pm, Betty calls wondering what we're doing tonight, because she's sitting at home alone and as wondering what to do. Saturday morning at precisely at 9:59am. Alan calls again to let us know that he'll be at our house precisely forty minutes before the movie begins that night, and asks what we're doing for the day. Saturday at noon, Betty calls wondering what we're doing today, because she's sitting at home alone and was wondering what to do. Saturday evening, exactly forty-five minutes before the movie begins, Alan arrives at our house. He is upset because his ex-girlfriend is upset with her CURRENT boyfriend for having too many vowels in his name. Thus, she takes it out on him, who takes it like the sap he is. When asked if anything's wrong, he says, "No," although the fact he hasn't spoken for twenty minutes, and balls up napkins into helpless balls of paper mush isn't supposed to clue us in. Saturday evening, about twenty minutes before the movie starts, Friend D [to be called Doug] calls needing a ride. Doug lives across town. Saturday evening, exactly ten minutes before the movie starts, everyone arrives at the cinema. Carla is crying, because apparently a song on the radio in Betty's car mentions the state of Florida which for some inexplicable reason reminds her of a city in Florida, which rhymes with her ex's last name, and thus, makes her feel like nobody loves her because she broke up with him. The movie begins. The movie ends. The easiest two hours of this situation. Now people want food. Or coffee. Or whatever. Here's the second part of the game. Carla can't eat in anywhere where there is smoke, which means three-fourths of the world, including Los Angeles and Newcastle as a general rule, are verboten. Alan wants ice cream. My girlfriend is highly allergic to food with either onions or garlic. Carla wants to eat some place enormously expensive because they have little French pastries that she likes, while they charge four dollars for a diet coke about the size of a thimble. Kinda like a strip bar, but with no naked chicks. Alan repeats he wants ice cream. Betty doesn't care, because she's not eating today. And she's depressed. Doug wants to eat at Outback Steakhouse. My girlfriend reminds Doug she's vegetarian. He notes they have "blooming onions" at Outback Steakhouse, which in his mind isn't a problem. Alan reminds us all he wants ice cream. When asked where they want to GO, nobody wants to make a decision. My girlfriend finally decides on Restaurant #1, which immediately closest to all of us in walking distance. Alan doesn't like that place and informs us. We request an alternative. He has none. Thus, we go to Restaurant #1. Betty doesn't eat. Carla has tea. Doug has a burger that he doesn't like the way they cooked it, because it's not done enough and he's a former cook and knows what meat is supposed to taste like. Doug reminds us we should've gone to Outback Steakhouse. My girlfriend tries to find something on the menu she can eat, and ends up ordering a nine dollar pasta dish that the waitress swears has no garlic in its ingredients, although the cloves are visibly noticeable on top. Alan sits drinking water because he's in a huff, because he didn't want to go here. Carla gets upset because Alan is acting like an ass, and Betty starts feeling guilty about inviting Carla in the first place. Doug doesn't realize any of this is going on, and asks both Alan and Carla how their ex's are doing. And our friends wonder why we leave the ringer to our phone turned off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Children are like animals at the zoo. They are nice to visit, but you shouldn't take one home." -- Arlene L. This is what I've always said about pregnancy/childbirth: "I saw 'Alien,' and I'm NOT doing THAT!" -- Unknown THANK YOU FOR NOT BREEDING (bumper sticker) "If I ever decide I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet... I'll put shoes on my cats." -- Magnetic Graffiti Co How can you trust me with a baby if you can't trust me with a choice? (bumper sticker) "In America, there are two modes of travel: First Class and With Children" -- Robert Benchley "Children are a sexually transmitted disease." -- Unknown "I would get pregnant only if I could be sure I'd have puppies." -- Cynthia Nelms "Men are generally more careful of the breed of their horses and dogs than of their children." -- William Penn "All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable." -- Fran Lebowitz, American journalist, _Metropolitan Life_, 1978 "The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two adopted children." -- Paul Ehrlich, American scientist "The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children." -- Clarence Darrow, American lawyer and reformer. "Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect." -- Nicholas Chamfort, French writer "I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away." -- Nancy Mitford, British writer "Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the farm yard, except that children are more troublesome and costly than chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock." -- George Bernard Shaw, [Quasi-]British playwright -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This farmer has about 200 hens but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Randy; he'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it , and buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money, and I need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. Wham! He nails every hen in there three or four times, and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the henhouse and sees a flock of geese down by the lake, Wham! He gets all the geese. Randy's now up in the pigpen, then he does it with the cows. Randy jumps every animal the farmer owns....Wham..Wham...Bang..Bang. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed, and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down -- now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky, and says, "Shhh, old man.... they're getting closer....."