23/Oct/97 - Rejection Lines TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in"Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to date my dad) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.) ******************************************************************** In response... The male perspective on the same issue: Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) 5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) 2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) And the number 1 rejection line given by men, (and what it actually means). . . 1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.) 28/Oct/97 - Stress 10 Signs You're Too Stressed 1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest. 2. You can achieve a "runner's high" just by sitting up. 3. Trees begin chasing you. 4. You can see individual air molecules vibrating. 5. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. 6. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. 7. You and Reality file for a divorce. 8. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. 9. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. 10. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row about it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night. 28/Oct/97 - Things Not to Hear During Surgery Things You'd Rather Not Hear During Surgery Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor--we're going to need a mop. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!! Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie. Oh, no. I just lost my Rolex. Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Darn! There go the lights again! "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em." Everybody stand back--I lost my contact lens. Could you stop that thing from thumping; it's throwing my concentration off. Hey, What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses... Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...? Anyone see where I left my scalpel? And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. This patient has already had some kids--right? 3/Nov/97 - You know You're from the Bay Area You know you are from the Bay Area when... *************************************************** You make $100,000 a year, yet still can't find a place to live. Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles away from work. Stop asking how much things cost but, ask "How long will it take?" Two-Thirds of the people you know are from Boston or New York, but you are living in PST. Know vast differences between Thai, Vietnemese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food. Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that is not on the consumer market yet. Go to "The City" on weekends but don't live there because you like your car. Think that "I'm going to Fry's." is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while, and your boss does too. Lost your alarm clock. You'll get to work when you get there. Go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavor of Unix is better. Own more than 10 articles of cloathing that have hardware/software companies printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff. "Your best buys..." you know the rest. You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, and Floppy Dr are located. You know who Woz is. You know 280 North runs west, and 680 N runs East. Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay Area, they only work on Powerpoint, and the company is still the embodiment of Satan. Even if their stock IS worth more than yours. You see a billboard that says "FPGA2ASIC" and aren't phased When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk across the street. You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major universities. You have to hire security to keep the panhandlers off your terrace (Oakland/Berkeley). None of the people you work with are bible thumpers. You scan yardsales for back issues of "Dr. Dobbs." Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese. Your workplace vending machines dispense "100% natural twig-bars" right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix. No one brings radio's into work - they just use RealAudio and listen to thedj.com, rebelradio.com, or other out of state stations. 6/Nov/97 - Bookstores ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH! Has anyone noticed that when these ubersturmbandgruppen bookshops open up they all have incredible stocks that get replaced by forty thousand square feet of Danielle Steel and HTML FOR DUMMIES books inside of three months? It's amazing. And there's that great bookstore-litfreak-i-love-my-job staff they have. "Hi. I'm looking for a copy of De Tocqueville's 'Democracy in America'." "I don't think we carry that." "What? It's De Tocqueville! Why wouldn't you have it?" "Oh. I thought that was the title. Who's the author?" "Alexis De Tocqueville." "I don't think we have any of her stuff." "Him." "Hmmm?" "Yes." "What?" "He's not a her. He's a him." "OH. Okay. Do you know when it was supposed to be released?" "1840." "Oh. Maybe it's in the remainder pile." "Look. Can you just check the computer?" "Well, I'm sure we don't have it." "Please?" "Ok. Sure. What was the author's name again?" "De Tocqueville." "Do you know what the 'D' stands for?" "Of." "What?" "Alexis De Tocqueville. French. 'D E.' De." "Ohhhh." "Yeah." "Okay. Let me check." "Thank you." "Ohhh." "Yes?" "We have two copies." "Great! Where?" "History." "......." "Is there a problem?" "I've been to history." "And it wasn't there?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Do you want to go look again?" "No." "Well, will you wait here?" "OH YES!" "I couldn't find it in history." "Really?" "Yes, but you might want to go look over in current events." "CURRENT EVENTS?" "Well sometimes things get filed there." "Things? You mean like cookbooks? ALGEBRA MANUALS? _BIOGRAPHIES OF THE STARS_?" "Are you all right?" "Yes. You are the only bookstore within a half hour of here. I did something bad in past life." "Yes?" "Never mind. Look. I've checked current events. That's where I picked up this copy of 'Generation of Swine'. Since it's right next to history, I thought I'd look there, too." "Oh. Then I guess we don't have it." "Right. Of course. Would some intelligent employee have tucked it into the travel section?" "Oh no. Not a book on democracy." "So where would it be?" "It might be with the biographies." "You killed the biography section a year and a half ago." "We still have new biographies." "And you think that a mid 19th century Frenchman's essays about America will be in with Tipper Gore's life story." "Well, those are pretty similar. They have politics and all." "Yes. Look. That thingamabob that tells you what the stock is. Does it tell you that you have a copy of 'Democracy in America'?" "Hold on. 'Democracy in America.' Yes. Two copies." "Does it tell you what edition?" "'Democracy in America'.... Nope. No edition." "Would it be a special edition kept someplace else?" "Well have you checked the remainder pile?" "Yes." "You did?" "Yes. When you went walkabout. That's when I got this Tony Hillerman book." "Oh. Is that a political book, too?" "No." "No?" "No." "What do you like to read?" "English. But I dabble in ancient Greek." "Oh? You're an English major?" "No. I'm a hacker." "Well, we have other books on democracy. Since you're into computers you might like '24 hours in Cyberspace'." "Is it written by a 150 year old Frenchman?" "Hahahaha." "Can you ORDER De Tocqueville?" "Well, my manager won't let me order something if it's in stock." "On the metaphysical scale ranging from 'out of stock' to 'in stock', where (may I ask?) does 'Democracy in America' weigh in?" "what?" "IS THIS BOOK IN STOCK OR NOT?" "Don't shout. It's in stock. The computer says we have two copies." "I'm. Not. Shouting. Where. Are. These. Two. Copies?" "They should be in the history section." "So it's in stock so I can't order it, but no one knows where the two copies are so I can't buy it." "Well I can put your name on a list." "What list?" "A waiting list?" "For De Tocqueville?" "You'll be the only one on it." "Really?" "Yes." "How long will I be waiting?" "Oh, we'll call you as soon as we find it." "Ah. Blizzards and iceboats then." "What?" "Nothing. Never mind De Tocqueville. I have a sudden urge for theology. Where can I get some?" "The philosophy area is over next to culture." "Theo.... never mind. Over there?" "Yes." "Thank you for your help." "Sure." And can you guess what was sitting to the right of Thomas Aquinas? 7/Nov/97 - a "traditional" blessing of Great Britain God bless th'Irish, who don't know what they stand for, but are willin' to fight for it anyway. God bless th'Scottish, who don't know what they like, but are willin' to drink to it anyway. God bless th'Welsh, who pray on their knees on the Sabbath, and on their neighbors the rest of the week. And God bless th'English, who claim t'be a self-made race; thus relieving God of a terrible burden. 8/Nov/97 - What do you call THAT? A very naive Southern girl came home after her first trip to New York and told her equally sheltered friend what she had learned there. "Did you know," she whispered, "that up north, men kiss other men... down there... between the legs?" "No!!" her friend gasped. "What do you call them?" "You call them 'homosexuals.' That's what they call them. And they also have women who kiss other women... down there!" "You're kidding!" her friend said. "What do you call them" "They are called 'lesbians.' And they even have men who put their heads down on a woman's private parts, they kiss them, and do things with their tongues... down there also!!!" "Well, I'll be. What is heaven's name do you call them?" "Well, after I caught my breath, I called one of them 'Darling.'" 11/Nov/97 - Weight Loss Techniques Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning." At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU." 12/Nov/97 - Why You Should Stay in School Many years ago, before I finally connected with my present employer, I found myself 'between jobs' with a family to support. I found a temporary job as a laborer at a local Landscape-Nursery and quickly found myself very involved with Landscape work in this area--it was March, and the winter had been very long and hard. It happened that at that time the Aerospace Industry in this area was going through hard times and had laid off a lot of very highly educated people. Some of them decided to work at the same Nursery where I was working. It also happened at that time that the Nursery did a lot of drainage system work for individual homes in the area. For those who have never done this work, this is most likely the dirtiest possible type of work a human being can do. Lacking large equipment, we needed to manually dig trenches through various layers and types of soils and gravels, sloping it properly, refilling with drainage materials, and so forth. Then we replaced the sod and supposedly it looked like we had never been there. We worked mostly in an area that has clay soil, and we could not be clean working in clay soil levels filled with undrained water. Now to set the scene. One rainy day, because I had been in the Nursery Business approximately one month, and because I had been on crews which had installed maybe five drainage systems, I was given a small raise and put in charge of a crew of my own. Three guys, laid-off Aerospace Engineers all, were to work for me! Two of them had Ph.D's, and the third a Master's Degree. Together we were going to install a drainage system at a large private home in the worst-drainage part of this area--worst-drainage due to the clay soil. Aside from the weather, which was terrible, it was a very nice day. These guys were easy and pleasant to work with, and they were there to work. We finished the back yard in good time, had gotten ourselves unbelievably filthy in the process, and we were pretty well along with the front yard, all of us together in the trench, when a well-dressed young woman with a young boy in tow stopped to watch us for a while. We continued mucking and rooting around in the trench, not presenting a very pretty picture, and the woman with the little boy just continued to stand there and watch. After about fifteen minutes we heard the woman say to the little boy: "If you don't study hard in school, this is what you will be doing when you grow up." At that point four grown men collapsed in the muddy trench and started roaring with laughter. I'm sure the lady never knew why. 13/Nov/97 - You might be a Redneck Jedi You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If....... Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color. You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. You have ever used a light-saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot." You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light. 13/Nov/97 - First Grade Sex (dirty) A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with his teacher. Well, his father's chest just swells with pride, and he says to his son, "I was a freshman in college before I had sex with one of my teachers. I'm proud of you son! You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long? I'm going to take you out and buy it for you today." His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go tomorrow. My ass is still sore." 14/Nov/97 - Proper Names The first grade teacher was getting to know her students on the first day of class. "Jimmy, what do you like to do when you're not in school?" she asked. Jimmy replied, "I love my choo-choo. In fact, I play with it all the time at home and have tracks set up all over the house." The teacher said, "That's wonderful, Jimmy. However, since you're in the first grade now, don't you think you should call it a 'train'?" "Yes, teacher." "Good, now Susie, what do you like to do when you're not in school?" Susie answered, "Well, I have a horsie. In fact, I love my horsie, I ride it every day and do everything to take care of it." "Well, that's wonderful, Susie. However, since you're in the first grade now, don't you think you should call it a 'horse'?" "All right, teacher." The teacher then said, "Good. Johnny, what do you like to do when you're not in school?" Little Johnny thinks to himself for a moment, then tells the teacher, "I like to read. I read all the time and love all different kinds of books." "Well, that's wonderful, Johnny. What's your favorite book?" "'Winnie the Shit'." 15/Nov/97 - The Raven (by Poe's cat) The End of the Raven -- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting, I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for. Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven, Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door. "Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor, "There is nothing I like more" Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore. While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered, Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor; For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor - Bric-a-brac and junk galore. Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered, In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth - "Nevermore." While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up, Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore. Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore - Only this and not much more. "Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out! Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before; How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty Put and end to that damned ditty" - then I heard him start to snore. Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor, Jumped - and smashed it on the floor. 18/Nov/97 - Honesty is the best Policy That honesty is the best policy was driven home to me a couple of days ago, when I went to the butcher's shop late in the day. A wizened old lady wanted to buy a lamb roast, so he'd pulled one out, weighed it, and told her, "That'll be $13.45, please." "Too small, I'm afraid. Do you have a larger one?" The butcher picked up the roast, went out to the back room, waited a while (it was obviously the last one he had in stock), and came back. "This one should be better. It's $15.20." I was just about to explode in protest, when I saw the old lady give him a sly grin. "Thank you. That's perfect. I'll take both." 18/Nov/97 - Murphy's Laws of Combat MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT ----------------------- 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. 4. There is always a way. 5. The easy way is always mined. 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. when you're ready for them. b. when you're not ready for them. 9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. 10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you. 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. 12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. 16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out. 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone. 19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. 21/Nov/97 - Bellringer Puns After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed downstairs. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother." 25/Nov/97 - Pilot Squawks Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order." Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 foot per minute descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for."