The JOKES Gallery - February 1997

3/feb/1997 - Waka Waka Bang Splat

The following poem appeared recently in INFOCUS magazine. The original authors were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary of Grand Rapids, MI.

A poll conducted among INFOCUS readers had established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters <> and , though some readers held out resolutely for "norkies."

The text of the poem follows:

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:

5/feb/1997 - Top 15 Star Wars Changes

15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.

14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.

13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.

12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."

11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.

10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.

8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.

7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.

6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"

5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.

4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.

3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.

2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.

1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

7/feb/1997 - Elvis - Jesus Similarities

10/feb/1997 - House of the Future

Telephone: <ring> <ring>

Clerk: Hello, networks are us.

Man: Help, I need the SNMP management code for an American Standard!

Clerk: American Standard what? Router, bridge, brouter, lan?

Man: Look, I need to shut down my toilet! It's leaking all over the place and I need the computer code to tell my house to stop it!

Clerk: Why don't you just turn the water off?

Man: I'm in Los Angeles, my house is in Phoenix! My house sent me a page telling me to read my E-Mail. The E-Mail message said there's water on the bathroom floor. I pinged the sink and the tub, and both of them say they are off, but when I tried to telnet to the toilet, it said all connections were in use!

10/feb/1997 - The personals these days...

Mature, lone, North American superpower seeks hostile nation for arms racing, third world conflicts, threat inflation, mirror-imaging and general bellicose posturing. Must be sufficiently menacing to frighten more money from Congress.

Nuclear capability preferred, chem-bio or near-nuclear considered. Technologically backward, yet fierce applicants will also be considered. Must be able to taunt, harangue and bluster in local and international media markets.

Location: Earth, anywhere, preferably near strategic petroleum deposits, major population or economic centers. Please reply with picture of chanting troops, tank battalions, atrocities, screaming fighters, etc., to "Shali," The Pentagon, Washington, D.C. U.S.A.

Preemptive attacks welcomed. Please, no micro-cell terrorists.

12/feb/1997 - This Old Mainframe

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 96 17:45:07 -0700
To: ipg-l@netpress.org
Subject: Today's chuckle, re:MS-NBC

Recycled Suggestions for MSNBC shows

Apologies if this isn't new but I thought it chuckleworthy.

This Old Mainframe - Host Bob Vila revamps a Univac and shows you how you can turn an old PC into a functional doorstep or other decorative object.

Name That Software - Contestants attempt to identify well-known business programs by looking at the least number of lines of code.

My Three Suns - Neighbors wonder why Steve Douglas keeps three UNIX based work-stations in a suburban neighborhood.

Wang Can Cook - Chef Charles Wang blends together software in an incomprehensible manner from companies he's purchased. Studio guests grudingly pay ever higher prices for his creations.

Leave it to Spindler - The Spindler tries to earn money by selling apples but finds he can't sell them for as much as he paid for them; tries to make it up in volume. Ward, June and the Board of Directors sigh.

WordPerfect Strangers - Larry decides that using groupware would be a good way to meet women, but Balki's laser printer explodes ruining any chances of connectivity.

Mayberry CPU - Andy discovers that his digital clock has more intelligence than Goober. Aunt Bee debugs Floyd's electronic cash register.

The Honeymooners - Ralph dreams up a way to hit it rich with a 3-D word processor, but it turns out to be vaporware. Ed makes millions creating "Norton's Utilities".

Mr. Rom's Neigborhood - Mr. Rom puts young ones to sleep by reading selections from various IBM documentation.

Says Me Street - Muppet like forms of Bill Gates, Larry Ellison and Scott McNealy show children how to work and play together on the information highway. Large character known as Big BlueBird is a favorite of the kids although no one really knows why.

12/feb/1997 - FTL Cars Top Ten

20 Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!

19 Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.

18 Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.

17 Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

16 Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.

15 No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

14 Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.

13 LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.

12 You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving home from work.

11 You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes.

10 That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.

9 Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.

8 Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.

7 Bugs never see you comin'.

6 You can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5 Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4 Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.

3 License plate: "Me=mc2"

2 Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat -- they land in last week.

1 Chicks dig it.

14/feb/1997 - The World's Easiest Quiz

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2) Ecuador.

3) From sheep and horses.

4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5) Squirrel fir.

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.

8) Distinctively crimson.

9) New Zealand.

10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

17/Feb/1997 - For Valentine's Day

15 Her eyes say "Yes" but her probation officer says "No."

14 When sober, he looks like Beavis. When drunk, he looks like Butthead.

13 Sure, the Mapplethorpe exhibit was provocative, but now you're stuck with those tickets for "Wrestlemania XII."

12 The big lug knows how to hang onto a girl, but clinging to the roof of the Empire State Building isn't your idea of a romantic evening.

11 He's hired three naked kids with little bows and arrows to "set the mood."

10 Upon closer inspection, that label reads, "Victoria's Secretions."

9 "Would you like some more wine, Mom?"

8 Any combination of the words "Susan" and "Powter" on her driver's license.

7 She tells the *waiter* that she isn't wearing any underwear.

6 He keeps hitting you up for an $8.5 million loan.

5 His 10 words-per-minute typing means you spend most of the night staring at your monitor.

4 The "hit" by the Giancomo Family was traumatic enough, but NOW you're stuck with the check.

3 Instead of "saying it with flowers," he says it with squash.

2 C'mon, webmaster AND part-time model? She's got to be making this stuff up.

1 Every time he pulls you close on the dance floor, his Siamese twin cops a feel.

18/feb/1997 - Apple/NeXT Merger

"Titanic, this is Hindenberg. We have you sighted and are ready to commence rescue operations. Please send up a flare."

21/feb/1997 - Taking it with You

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money.

At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

26/feb/1997 - Embarassing Deaths

One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.

How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night

In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.

How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time

In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s

How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide

While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.

How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken

One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.

How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of organic foods.

Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.

A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.

How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head

According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.

How he died: A heart attack....while jogging

Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.

--------------------

And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.

While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.

27/feb/1997 - Halloween

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devote husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and did the deed.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

The wife was about to open her mouth when he added: "But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

28/feb/1997 - Top 17 Signs You're at a Bad Renaissance

17> The castle and village are made entirely of Legos.

16> Turkey leg bears striking resemblance to Cocker Spaniel leg.

15> Festival activities include "Ye Olde Wet T-Shirt Contest."

14> Eight minute drum solo in the middle of "Greensleeves."

13> "Belly up to the bar, me lad, for some grilled mahi-mahi and fresh California Roll!"

12> Ye Old Glassblower makes nothing but crack pipes.

11> The meade is served in a coconut shell with a Fizzy straw.

10> Everyone seems to have attended the Kevin Costner School of British Accents.

9> Mosh pit follows the wandering minstrels.

8> You get charged 5 bucks to take a leak behind Ye Olde Hedge.

7> Guillotine exhibit closed due to pending litigation.

6> Friar Tuck's pager keeps going off.

5> Featured event: "Johnson-Jousting!"

4> Disgusting Ogre is merely an unshaved Marlon Brando.

3> "Tarry, wench, I prithee! Wouldst thou Macarena?"

2> Merlin the Magician's only trick is "Got your nose!"

1> Jousting Crips & Bloods.

[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
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