2/jan/1997 - Top Ten Silly Travel Questions
The article containing these gems also adds that the International Assoc. of Convention & Visitors Bureaus has decided to discontinue publishing the list after this year due to concerns "that the visitors bureau might be having too much fun at the expense - and bad reaction - of the visitors." If having "too much fun" on the job is a problem, I don't want to work there anyway!
TOP TEN SILLY TRAVEL QUESTIONS
(from Metro Detroit Connections, July 4-17, 1996):
1. From Anchorage, AK Visitor Bureau:
"Do you have a map of the Iditarod Trail? We'd like to go for a walk now."
2. From the Florida Space Center Office of Tourism:
"Which beach is closest to the water?"
3. From the Scottsdale, AZ Chamber of Commerce
"Have we made peace with the Indians yet?"
4. From the PA Dutch Convention & Visitor Bureau:
"Where can we find Amish hookers? We want to buy a quilt."
5. From the Fairbanks, AK Visitor Bureau:
"What is the official language of Alaska?"
6. From the Cobb County (GA) Visitor Bureau:
"Where are Scarlet and Rhett buried and are they buried together?"
7. From the Boise, ID Visitor Bureau:
"If you go to a restaurant in Idaho and you don't want any kind of potato with your meal, will they ask you to leave?"
8. From the Denver Visitor Bureau:
"What is the best time of year to watch a deer turn into an elk?"
9. From the San Jose, CA Visitor Bureau:
"I am trying to build a flying saucer. Where do I go for help?"
10. From the New Orleans Visitor Bureau:
"Where can I find a listing of jazz funerals for the month? I'd like to bring a group of students down to attend one."
At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely even to taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides. What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay them babysitting wages. That's right .... instead of paying them these outrageous taxes, I'd give them $3.00 an hour out of my pocket. And I'm only going to pay them for five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day -- each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to babysit their child. Even if they have more than one child, it's still a lot cheaper than private day care.
Now how many children to they teach a day -- maybe twenty? That's $15.00 X 20 = $300 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for all of those vacations. $300 X 180 = $54,000 (Just a minute, I think my calculator needs batteries.)
I know now you teachers will say, "What about those who have ten years' experience and a Masters degree?" Well, maybe (to be fair) they could get the minimum wage and instead of babysitting they could read the kids a story. We could round that off to about $5.00 an hour, times five hours, times 20 children. That(s) $500 a day times 180 days. That(s) $90,000.00 ... HUH?
Wait a minute, let's get a little perspective here. Babysitting wages are too good for these teachers. Did anyone see a salary guide around here????
Jesus loves you just the way you are,
Cthulu thinks you need a little A-1 sauce.
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
[For those who don't know, there is a "hoax" floating around the Net about a virus called Good Times! Supposedly, if you get mail with that subject line and read it, your computer will be destroyed. Since there is ABSOLUTELY no truth to the rumor, lots of people have gotten flamed for posting an innocent warning. Here is the best response yet. -Mage]
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Listen to me. Goodtimes does not exist.
It cannot do anything to you. But I can. I am sending this message to everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your family. If anyone else sends me another E-mail about this fake Goodtimes Virus, I will turn hating them into a religion. I will do things to them that would make a horsehead in your bed look like Easter Sunday brunch.
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!", he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my God...," gasped the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?"
Three guys--an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polish guy are hunting in the jungle and are captured by cannibals. They're tied up and taken to the cannibal king.
The cannibal king brings the Englishman forward and says, "We're gonna skin you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you and then we're gonna make a canoe out of your skin. Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman asks for a knife. The cannibals bring him the knife, and he says, slashing his throat with the knife, "God save the Queen!"
Then the cannibal king brings the Frenchman forward and says, "We're gonna skin you, we're gonna cook you' we're gonna eat you and then we're gonna make a canoe out of your skin. Do you have any last requests?"
The Frenchman also asks for a knife. The cannibals bring him the knife, and he follows the Englishman's example, yelling, "Vive la France."
Then the cannibal king brings the Polish guy forward and says, "We're gonna skin you, we're gonna cook you' we're gonna eat you and then we're gonna make a canoe out of your skin. Do you have any last requests?"
The Polish guy asks for a fork. The cannibals bring him the fork, and he stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, yelling, "Fuck your canoe!"
After the incident with the Cabbage Patch Dolls that starting chewing the hair of little girls, David Letterman's top ten list last night was "Other toys being discontinued by Mattel".
10. Dr. Kevorkian's "Goodnight Grandpa" Kit
9. GI Joe with Wet, Hacking Cough
8. Robert Downey Jr. Home Pharmacy
7. Do-It-Yourself Jigsaw Puzzle (Jigsaw included)
6. Cabbage Patch Hookers
5. "Li'l" Unabomber Chemistry Kit
4. Barbie, Ken and Ken's Longtime Companion, Matthew
3. Gulp! The Coin-Swallowing Game
2. Adorable Wind-up Monkey with a Powerful Taste for Human Flesh
1. Tickle Me O.J.
- Disgusting One-Liner
| >Just wanted to remind everyone to watch for worms in Quaker
Oats Chocolate
| >Chunk granola bars. We had some in the box we bought from Price
Club
| >(Fairfax, VA).
Albert Silverman (slvrmn@netcom.com) wrote:
| What do you have against worms? They have to eat, too!
Extra protein. (Here it comes, folks, get ready...)
IT'S NOT A BUG, IT'S A FEATURE!
- Numbering Systems
Q: Why can't computer programmers tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 31 Oct. equals 25 Dec.
- Skeleton in a Bar
A skeleton walks into a bar, and says: "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
the Simon's Rock alumni mailing list has deteriorated into the war of the urban legends this week (and a cool side conversation about the best ways to harass telemarketers)... but I thought this one was worth sharing...
Craig Shergold is a 10 year old boy who is dying of cancer. Before he dies, he would like to set the world record for receiving the most Neiman-Marcus Cookie Recipes. You can help Craig by sending an irate fax to LEXIS-NEXIS demanding that they remove all traces of your mother's maiden name from their executive washroom wall. They will respond by sending e-mail labeled "goodtimes" to the computer controlling Craig's life support equipment. When Felippe Linz, the technician operating the computer opens this mail, his hard drive will be overwritten with thousands of credit card invoices for $250.00, erasing the last bit of evidence that Hilary was seen on the grassy knoll when JFK was shot, thus allowing world domination by Bill Gates and his tri-lateral commission cronies who are eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches in the black helicopters with Elvis.
If Science Fiction authors were courted for celebrity endorsements, this is what might happen...
Arthur C. Clarke: "After a long day of writing, there is nothing like a hot bowl of cup 'o' noodles. So do what I do and arrange a Rendezvous with Ramen, today!
William Gibson: "What's in Bill Gibson's Gibson? Tanqueray! The gin of tomorrow!"
Hi, I'm Vernor Vinge, and when I want to start a fire upon the deep, nothing works like Match-Light Charcoal Briquets.
Hi, I'm Robert A. Heinlein, and you know, it's true what they say about the moon -- it IS a harsh mattress! That's why I prefer Beautyrest by Simmons!
Hi, I'm Jerry Pournelle, and when I get a mote in *my* eye, I reach for Visene..
Top 10 Reasons Why Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt In The Star Trek Universe:
10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun."
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp--the Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable--after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
1) Kirk pilots Enterprise through asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS -- BRITISH DIVISION
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs
(medals) for dubious distinctions.
Tortoise Trophy
To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in
the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to
include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
Rubber Cushion
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream
and glued his buttocks together.
Crimewatch Cup
Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with
a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large
capital letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the
court: "My client is not a very bright young man."
Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb
threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that
he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.
Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van
with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
British Cup
To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral
sex and then moved onto intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit
up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
Flying Cross
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft,
having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten
by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains
and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third
place.
Lazarus Laurel
To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin
in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell
was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs.
Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
Silver Bullet
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS -- Don't forget Texas.
An erratic driver was pulled over by the Texas Rangers to see what
the problem was. On looking in the car, the ranger noticed some silver
cannisters on the floor. With all the bomb scares etc, he asked the driver
if those were pipe bombs. The driver replied: "No man, that's cocaine!"
(and it was - woops)
Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.
The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."
The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.