Preparation for Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, remove 10% of the beans.
   Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put down the bag, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a draw-string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the draw-string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton, and using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube, and using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining; family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Get a quarter and stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies and mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There-Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. (Husbands, you probably have already experienced this.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats destroy or eat. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like "How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day?" No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people.

THE PARENTING TEST

Section One --- Mathematics

For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points per question)

1. I don't care what the other kids get to do.
2. ... and this time I really mean it.
3. Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
4. See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
5. Now we're REALLY going to be late.
6. One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
7. Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
8. Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
9. Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10. Okay ... but only five more minutes.

Section Two -- Fill in the Blank

Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)

1. Tickle Me ____________.
2. 101 _________________.
3. The Berenstain _________.
4. Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
5. _______________ Nuggets.
6. _______________ Meals.
7. Please won't you be my _____________?

Section Three -- Matching

Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).

1] Amoxicillin
2] Legos
3] Pull-Ups
4] Push-Ups
5] Tubes

A] Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting.
B] Either a recreational device originally developed for hamsters, but since adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is placed in ears when Letter "C" fails.
C] A pink substance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's diet.
D] A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
E] A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary for a few more weeks.

Section Four -- Problem Solving

Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)

1. It is 8:50a.m. School starts at 9a.m. Where are your car keys?
2. She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who's right?
3. You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large packages, two very small children, zero very close parking places, and one frazzled parent. How will you accomplish this?
4. At 7p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts with Carl, and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman maneuvers, how will this be done?

Section Five -- Essay

Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)

Which of the "Big V's" has made a bigger contribution to parenting -- Vacuum cleaners, Velcro or the VCR?

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"