GOD'S REELECTION CAMPAIGN
by Ruben Bolling
"My 12 billion-year term is almost up--and I need *your support*
for 12 billion more!!"
GOD for SUPREME DEITY
"Hey, His name is God!"
The campaign was not going well.
God's previous inaccessibility made his attempts at positive publicity
seem disingenuous.
"...And I'm sure this new shopping mall will bring prosperity
to the whole tri-county area..."
"Hey, God! I prayed for a job eight months ago, and I'm still
out of work!"
Emboldened by the possibility of an outster, people began expressing
their dissatisfaction.
"Famine, disease, misery, disasters... I say throw the Bum
out." - Dirk Valle, Construction Workerr
God's opponent, Norm Drucker, a successful entrepeneur, ran on a business
approach.
"I run a pretty darn good chain of car dealerships. I think I
can run the Universe *ever better*!"
Drucker's litany of proposals were real crowd pleasers.
NORM DRUCKER for SUPREME DEITY
Just a few more NEW IDEAS from Norm Drucker:
#134 a new beverage-holding appendage on all humans
#135 waffle trees
#136 no gravity one hour each day
#137 talking llamas
God tried to counter by revoking some of his less popular tenets, but
the polls wouldn't budge.
"Okay. You can use my name in vain. And I'm looking into the adultery
thing..."
In a final debate, God's divine wisdom was no match for Drucker's sensational
promises.
"He doesn't know anything about ruling the Cosmos! Evil is *necessary*
in order for Good to *exist*!"
"Evil! Gone! First 100 days!"
But in the end, God showed why an omnipotent incumbent is so tough to beat.
New York Bugle
GOD WINS IN "MIRACULOUS" UPSET
Drucker Suddenly Afflicted With Boils
Recently I have been pestered with a series of deeply scientific questions...All evolving out of the age old question.....
" If you're driving at the speed of Light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? "
This was quickly followed by:
" If you're driving at the speed of light and you:
... Turn your radio on, what station do you get?
... Hit an on coming freight train ...
... Stick your head out the window ...
... Turn on the windshield washer jets ...
... Honk your horn ...
... Downshift into first ... "
Continuing along this line of scientific inquiry, what happens when you are going light speed in REVERSE and you ...
... turn on your headlights ...
... just barely avoid a car doing light speed the other direction ...
... honk the horn ...
... have to parallel park ...
... shift into first ...
... look in the rear-view mirror ...
Which also brings up the question:
" Could you get away with looking in the rear-view mirror, or would you have to turn around ??? "
These are all facinating (and deeply disturbed) questions. But let us assume that you get a car that can travel the speed of light and you begin to unravel these age old mysteries *WHEN SUDDENLY* you are faced with an even more dreadful question:
" If you're driving at the speed of light and get pulled over by an Oakwood Taxi-cop....What kind of fine are you gonna pay? "
And believe me you are gonna pay....He ain't gonna buy the line:
" 669,600,000 mph!! That's impossible, my car shimmies at 500,000,000 mph! "
And he ain't gonna take the excuse that you didn't realize how fast you were going ... "Didn't you notice the Blue Shift, son."
After doing some research (No, I did not recently get a ticket) I found
that the fair city of Oakwood charges $1 for every 1 mph over the speed
limit.
So if you were pulled over for doing 669,600,000 in a 35 zone you would
be charged:
$669,599,965 + a $33 court fee = $669,599,998
This does not include such subsequent fines as reckless operation, not wearing a seat belt, and DWI (Let's face it if you stopped for an Oakwood cop while doing light speed , you'd have to be drunk. Oakwood is roughly 2 miles across....You'd be out of his jurisiction in 0.00001 Seconds)
A couple of other stats concerning a car capable of light speed. You'd flip the odometer in .537 seconds and need to change the oil every .053 seconds. I don't even want to get into the amount of gas it would use and at the current gas prices maybe a ticket isn't your first concern.
But just think ... you'll be able to answer all those complicated questions. Be the first to own a light-speed car ... (Honest, it was only driven on Sundays by a little old lady who had to get to Epsilon Indi and back).
| Eternal Damnation | Microsoft Windows | |
|---|---|---|
| It never ends. | -10- | You think you've almost done, but you never really finish. |
| You burn forever,but are not consumed. | -9- | Each update introduces new and improved tortures, which slowly consume you. |
| Your fate is in the hands of Satan, Prince of Darkness. | -8- | Your fate is in the hands of Gates, Prince of Incompability. |
| Satan gives you something you want in return for being damned. | -7- | Gates makes you buy Windows 95. |
| It is avoidable; an attractive, widely-marketed alternative is available. | -6- | Resistance is futile. All the alternatives are damned or doomed. |
| It is free. | -5- | You pay, and pay, and pay just to stay in the game. |
| Satan was once an angel. | -4- | Gates started by writing a BASIC interpreter. |
| Hell has no Windows | -3- | Microsoft does. |
| You only pass the Gates of Hell one time. | -2- | The Gates of Microsoft keeps popping up everywhere you look. |
| Satan genuinely believes in the triumph of Evil. | ONE | Gates just does it for the money. |
Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him, so when he was passing by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop in. The nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but first he had to provide a urine sample. Ray told her that was absurd for an elbow examination, but she insisted. Finally, he agreed.
Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?"
"The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked. "No," the doctor replied.
"It's the urinalysis." He explained that he'd purchased a new machine that could diagnose absolutely every physical condition with total accuracy. The machine cost a fortune, but it cut down on his work so much that he was able to get out on the golf course at three every afternoon.
Ray didn't believe a word. However, he did agree to provide another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup.
Two weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table talking with his wife about the ridiculous machine. They decided to have some fun with the doctor. Ray peed in the bottle, and so did his wife and teenage daughter. Then, as he opened the garage door, Ray had another idea.
He put a few drops of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, and then beat off and added a few more drops. Then he shook up the bottle, drove to the doctor and handed the bottle to the nurse.
This time the analysis took an entire hour. When Ray sat down, the doctor looked at him. "I've got some bad news for you," he said. "Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."
I'm Stuck with the Kids--A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS
| Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself. |
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly, Bob
| Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date. "Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."
Our response, "Gee Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break." |
Feedback
New Scientist 11th May p80
Despite this column's fearless exposures, manufacturers continue to issue bizarre warnings with their products. For example the instructions accompanying Reality, an American brand of female condom reach out into the higher realms of New Age existential philosophy.
"Use a new REALITY each time you make love," we are adjured. "Ensure REALITY is not twisted on insertion. REALITY may shift during intercourse. Keep REALITY out of the reach of children."
The MicroNews recently had a write-like-papa contest. The winning entry is below.
Imitation Hemingway Contest Winner
The Bug Count Also Rises
by John Browne
In the fall of that year the rains fell as usual and washed the leaves of the dust and dripped from the leaves onto the ground. The shuttles drove through the rainy streets and took the people to meetings, then later brought them back, their tires spraying the mist into the air. Many days he stood for a long time and watched the rain and the shuttles and drank his double-tall mochas. With the mochas he was strong.
Hernando who worked down the hall and who was large with microbrews came to him and told him that the ship day was upon them but the bugs were not yet out. The bugs which were always there even when you were in Cafes late at night sipping a Redhook or a double-tall mocha and you thought you were safe but they were there and although Enrico kept the floor swept clean and the mochas were hot the bugs were there and they ate at you.
When Hernando told him this he asked how many bugs.
"The RAID is huge with bugs," Hernando said. "The bugs are infinite."
"Why do you ask me? You know I cannot do this thing anymore with the bugs."
"Once you were great with the bugs," Hernando said. "No one was greater," he said again. "Even Prado."
"Prado? What of Prado? Let Prado fix the bugs."
Hernando shrugged. "Prado is finished. He was gored by three Sev 2's in Chicago. All he does now is drink herb tea and play with his screensavers."
"Herb tea?"
"It is true, my friend." Hernando shrugged again.
Later he went to his office and sat in the dark for a long time. Then he sent e-mail to Michaels.
Michaels came to him while he was sipping a mocha. They sat silently for awhile, then he asked Michaels, "I need you to triage for me."
Michaels looked down. "I don't do that anymore," he said.
"This is different. The bugs are enormous. There are an infinity of bugs."
"I'm finished with that," Michaels said again. "I just want to live quietly."
"Have you heard Prado is finished? He was badly gored. Now he can only drink herb tea."
"Herb tea?" Michaels said.
"It is true," he said sorrowfully.
Michaels stood up. "Then I will do it, my friend," he said formally. "I will do it for Prado, who was once great with the bugs. I will do it for the time we filled Prado's office with bouncy balls, and for the time Prado wore his nerf weapons in the marketing hall and slew all of them with no fear and only a great joy at the combat. I will do it for all the pizza we ate and the bottles of Coke we drank."
Together they walked slowly back, knowing it would be good. As they walked the rain dripped softly from the leaves, and the shuttles carried the bodies back from the meetings.
>From a Dvorak column.....
Economic and Political Theory 101
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
----- End of forwarded message from Patrick Magruder -----
General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags
DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."