Back to: The Mystery Spot Rambling Ned's College Story
Me: So, Ned, did you go to college?
Ned: Yes, I did. I attended Harvard.
Me: Wow! You graduated from Harvard!?
Ned: No, I didn't. I only said I attended Harvard. I never said I graduated. In fact, I got kicked out because I was a wild kid back then.
Me: What Happened?
Ned: You see, contrary to popular belief, Harvard is a wild party place. Or at least it was when I was there. Anyway, I fell into this wild party crowd and never attended classes. It got so bad that I actually had a negative GPA.
Well, it was this and the incident I'm about to tell you about was why I got kicked out of college. At one party, everyone was drunk and someone had a stupid idea, which everyone thought it was a good idea because we were drunk. This was also the cause of the Boston Tea Party.
You see, a bunch of drunken college kids were dressed up like Indians (or as their lawyers make us call them now, Native Americans) and were carrying on like all get out. Then somehow they remembered they had a test the next day and they needed to sober up in a hurry so they could study. Here's where the dumb idea comes in. There was not a lot of coffee back then, but there was a lot of tea. Tea's basically the same as coffee except it tastes like cud. Anyway, one of the kids said "Hey! Why don't we go down to the harbor and throw all those crates of tea into the water? Then all we have to do is drink the water." And so they went down to the harbor and dumped all the tea into the harbor, tipping over the first domino in the chain of events that ignited the powder keg of the American Revolution. Or something like that.
What happened to me was not as bad because it did not start a war, but it was bad because it got me kicked out of Harvard. You see, someone suggested that we steal Harvard's mascot as a prank. It is a little known fact that Harvard's mascot is a cow. In fact, it was a big cow. They (that is, the smart students that give Harvard its reputation as a smart school) called her "La Vaca." I believe that is Spanish for "the cow." Granted, that was not a very original name for a cow, but it sounds smart to stupid people.
Well, it was raining that day and as we were taking La Vaca to our dorm room, she got wet. Now, a wet cow smells like...well, a wet cow. If you've smelled a wet cow, you know what I mean. The odor of a wet cow aroused the suspicions of all the other people in the dorm. We were soon found out, so we had to make a run for the border, the state border, that is. If you even thought about fitting 39 students and one wet cow into one car, you know it is very hard.
About a mile from the border, the car ran out of gas and we had to run the rest of the way. It was raining heavily, and we had to run uphill in the wet grass. We made it, but La Vaca did not. She slipped on the wet grass and fell down and rolled down the hill and died. At least ten people nearly died laughing at bad milkshake puns.
Now, the ten or twenty smart people were really mad at us and kicked us out of the school. I think they probably cloned La Vaca because they still had a cow mascot for several more years. But then again they could have put cow horns on a very large dog. And that's the story of how I got kicked out of Harvard.
Me: Uh huh, that's very...that's very interesting. I have to go over there now.
Ned: Well then, I'll see you later. I have a lot more stories to tell you, like the time I found the Hope Diamond in a "Cracker Jack's" box...
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